Wednesday 30 June 2010

All Systems Go As Financial Year Ends On A High




In order to fall in line with our new parent company we are moving our year end to 30th June and we are aiming to impress the new owners with an excellent ten months' results. So we are pulling out all the stops and hoping to get a near record number of boilers out of the doors today leaving us with our best ever June sales. Our sales are as buoyant now as at any time before the recession set in and,if Instanta is reflecting the industry as a whole, it would appear that the doom mongers are wrong and we are back into a period of growth.



I have just posted an offer letter to our preferred candidate for the new Southern Area Sales Manager position. Trying to find the right man or woman for the job was a gruelling process but at least one person should have a pleasant surprise when they open the post tomorrow. Which will give Nick a busy time as he needs to train the successful applicant before he goes on his summer holidays in late July.



We are beginning to think that we'll never get back to our regular weekly cinema visits. Every Wednesday we eagerly scan the listings at the local Vue (where we have gift vouchers that will cover every week until well into 2011)and for the last five or six weeks we have drawn a complete blank. The half dozen films showing tonight have mustered less than seven stars in the reviews between them and that means that some real stinkers are on offer. The cinemas will blame it on the World Cup and there are reports that cinema attendances are down 22% on this time last year but if they want people to go to the movies instead of watching footie there has to be something better on offer. When "Get Me To The Greek" is the film with the highest ratings it's time to take up another Wednesday night pastime. Is there a Quiz on anywhere?


We are starting to see the benefit of Sarah's gift of a patio vegetable garden. As we are on a stringent diet at the moment, a gift of a huge variety and number of salad leaves has come in very handy as you can see. This was yesterday's lunch - a fruity salmon salad.

No football tonight but, in case you missed it, here is England's World Cup highlight. Apologies for the bad language. If you are easily offended, don't read the subtitles.

Tuesday 29 June 2010

Magic Numbers (Working Title). The Countdown Begins



Regular blog readers will be aware that our son Paul works in TV development for CPL Productions and excitement always mounts in our household as the launch of a new show approaches. In a couple of weeks time, Stephen Mulhearn (above) will be hosting ITV's new show "Magic Numbers"(Working Title). This entertainment based Saturday night show will give one lucky viewer each week the chance to win a big cash prize simply by matching their phone number with ones generated during the show. I know that there are some great acts lined up for the programme which will go out live and Marion and I are looking forward to an invite from Paul for us to go down to London and watch an episode or two. Paul's wife Josephine is in the same business and we are also looking forward to going to a recording of her new show in the near future. Details to follow. Our National Sales and Marketing Director Nick Neal's daughter Laura is also involved in training for a career in television and has managed to find some work experience in the industry too.



And, speaking of numbers, my head is spinning from working on the new payroll which comes into operation in August. At the moment I am running two payrolls - weekly and monthly- in preparation for the switch and I will be relieved when it is back to just one as I am getting myself mixed up some weeks and even managed to pay the P.A.Y.E late by forgetting about it. Not a good idea. It is our new year end tomorrow so we've got a big stock take to complete and a lot more numbers to work on. I'll be pleased when retirement finally arrives in November and I can forget numbers for good (apart from the pension).



And still on the subject of numbers here is the new Instanta August 2010 price list. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, we are moving the time of our price changes to be in line with our parent company and these prices will come into effect on 1st August 2010 so buy now and stock up in July if you want to make some savings. Hard copies will be going out in the post early next week.



Might as well go the whole hog and have a number related topic for today's final comment. We are into our seventh week of dieting today and together Marion and I have lost 27lbs in weight and I have lost at least three inches from my waist. It is starting to become gruelling now as, the weekly weigh-ins are only recording a pound or so loss and, with another ten weeks to go I can see it becoming a real test of our will power. On a positive note at least it is working whilst on a negative, I am going to need a whole new wardrobe or get my existing wardrobe altered.

This is how it is starting to feel



Monday 28 June 2010

Max Wins The Instanta Open



A group of Instanta staff and friends enjoyed a wonderful weekend recently at Formby Hall. They were contesting the annual Instanta Golf Tournament and here is organiser Lee Moore (right) presenting Service Manager Max Vidal with his hard won trophy. I hear that the course was a fiendish one and a number of scores topped the hundred mark but after two days and 36 holes Max came out on top, followed closely by Northern Area Sales Manager Peter Brindle and Sales Administrator Craig Buckley. A big thank you to Lee Moore for organising the event so successfully. Here are some of those who took part,(left to right) Carl (a guest) Nick Neal Sales Director,Peter Barlow from stores,Peter Brindle,Max Vidal, Craig Buckley and Mike Chubbs from our machine shop enjoying a post golf burger and chips.





It was our (almost) retirement party on Saturday evening and a group of ten of us were lucky enough to have wonderful weather for the do which went down very well. Local chef Brian Wareing came round and prepared us a lovely summer buffet and a fine selection of wines were provided by The Whalley Wine Shop - rather too many wines for me and, after six weeks of exemption from booze due to my diet, I literally fell off the wagon as the evening wore on and managed to bang my head on the ground. Fortunately the bump was a minor one or I could have ruined the evening and ended up as one of the binge drinking statistics in the local A & E. I woke up yesterday feeling like I had done a few rounds with Mike Tyson but fortunately the hangover is wearing off now although it took a lot of will power to drink the yogurt, kiwi fruit and banana smoothie prescribed by the diet this morning some thirty six hours later. Roll on the real retirement party



Our Buyer Gavin Ford was on holiday last week but found time to pop in and introduce us to his lovely little grandson Harvey. Harvey is almost two now and was a big hit in the office. He's a real little character.



Finally I would like to congratulate Gavin's mum Margaret who celebrates her sixty first birthday today. Margaret helps us out keeping the office and canteen clean and tidy. She's an animal lover and keen horsewoman who rides her own horse Max on a regular basis. When she's not looking after children (she's also a qualified child minder) and out with Max, Margaret loves listening to the music of Elvis and if there were a prize for his biggest fan, she would be well in the running. Have a wonderful day Margaret and many more to come.

We had a great soundtrack for our party on Saturday. I asked every guest to provide a list of their top ten all time favourites and we ended up with just over a hundred pop classics. I should had added this one.



Thursday 24 June 2010

My Hero




Praise and hallelujah for Landon Donovan. The USA striker's last minute winner in the World Cup yesterday stopped our party from being ruined. Marion and I are celebrating our retirement on Saturday with a few friends and, as a couple of them enjoy football, if Landon had not scored that goal we would have had the pressure of knowing that we would either spoil the evening for the footie fans or that if they watched it it would spoil the evening for the non-footie fans. Now the football followers can watch England at leisure on Sunday and leave us to enjoy the party with no pressure. You may be wondering why we are having a retirement party before we retire but we wanted a summer gathering and felt that half way through our last working year would be the best time for it and this way we can always have another in the winter. Thanks again Landon. USA all the way.



Our annual Instanta golf tournament was held recently but I have been holding back reporting on it as I am waiting for some excellent photos that I keep being told about but which have not materialised on my desk yet. Not being a golfer I didn't go to the event but I am told that a very good time was had by all and I'll be putting the results and the photos on the blog very soon.



Having lost my World Cup betting kitty (bar a few pounds whoever wins top goalscorer)due to the shock defeats of Spain and Germany in early games, I have turned my attention to Big Brother. Son Paul has tipped a rank outsider Caoimhe (or something like that)and I have put all my money on her in the hope that her odds tumble and I am able to lay the bet off to win on the others. So far the strategy is not working as, instead of the odds tumbling, they are rising and my Big Brother kitty is heading the same way as the World Cup one. But experience has shown that it's a long slog on Big Brother and the early favourites rarely win so I'll keep hanging on in the knowledge that Paul knows his BB very well and Caoimhe comes good.



I've had a good deal of admin work to do this week in preparation for the year end on Wednesday. We've got a stock take to carry out so the stores will not be open on Thursday. Jenny has things well in hand as usual. In addition I'm working on preparing a new price list for 1st August. We'll be posting this out very soon. The increases will be modest with the WA2N for example increasing by just £21.25 and still a bargain stainless steel boiler at £446.25.

I'll close today with the great Landon Donovan's goal.






Wednesday 23 June 2010

Blimey Kirk You Kept That Quiet




Here's Kirk Harrison our welder, the real ale lover and beekeeper who, to every body's surprise, went and got married to girlfriend Gillian on Saturday. Kirk planned the ceremony very secretly as he wanted the minimum of fuss and arrived back at work on Tuesday as normal.He will be taking a honeymoon in the late summer when the happy couple plan to visit Italy to take in some of the culture and, of course, the wine.



Not long now before the fate of the England team is known. It seems that nobody here at Instanta is bothered. We arranged for anyone who wanted to watch the match to do so if they took a very late lunch and stayed on until six fifteen to make up the time but it seems that rumbling stomachs took the better of them and nobody could manage to wait an extra hour and three quarters without eating so I will be watching almost alone. (I'm used to going without food now that I am into the fifth week of my diet). Not sure if I can be bothered as, let's face it, their attitude to the fans and to the management is pathetic. What a load of spoilt brats. If they do come home tomorrow it certainly won't be to a heroes' welcome. I see that the French are in an even worse mess with Thiery Henry being summoned before Sarkozy to explain why the team embarrassed the nation. I would have thought it was obvious. You take a player like Annelka with his track record of petulance and fall outs with both team mates and managers with you and you are asking for trouble.



Nick and I went down to Chiswick yesterday to interview a number of candidates for our new Southern Area Sales Manager position. The interviews went fairly well and we are mulling over our decision. I have to say though that I was disappointed that a couple of the candidates did not even know what we made. You couldn't make it up.



I can here that the match is just starting on the radio. Slovenia at 9-1 to win look like a pretty good bet to me. Oh well I'll finish for now with a girl who will grow up to be a WAG.

Tuesday 15 June 2010

Our Back Garden Allotment




Our daughter Sarah bought us a patio vegetable garden for Christmas and it arrived last week. We got a huge box full of young plants and Marion has been busy planting as many as possible. It will come in handy for our diet and instead of buying loads of salad ingredients and vegetables, we should soon, hopefully, be able to pop into the garden and help ourselves.



I didn't have enough time to blog yesterday and Wednesday. We are heading for our year end a couple of months early in order to fall in line with the group accounts and this involves a good deal of planning and preparation. Sales of our excellent boilers ,including the super 1500lcd (pictured), continue to grow. We need to bring our processes in line with the rest of the group and as part of this process we will be reviewing our prices earlier than usual this year and will be implementing some price changes on 1st August.Customers will be advised of the impending changes in a week or two.



I'm off down south on Monday. My recruitment process is coming to fulfillment now and Nick and I are planning to interview the top candidates for our new Southern Area Sales Manager position at our parent company Zip's offices in Chiswick. I can't invite candidates until I have the results of some tests that we sent them. I am hoping to see some good scores if I have done my initial vetting properly and am looking forward to meeting four or five of them.

I'm also looking forward to seeing England get back into winning form tonight. In case you have been out of circulation since last week, here are the highlights of their first performance...........in Lego.

Keeping It In The Family






We need to organise the office in preparation for Marion's departure in the not too distant future and, as usual, our recruitment process began at home and we asked around at Instanta if anybody was aware of someone looking for an office job. And sure enough someone was and we are delighted to welcome 19 year old Haylie to the office (yes that is the way that she spells it).Those of you who know us well will agree that her face looks familiar and it won't surprise you to hear that Haylie is our Service Manager Max Vidal's daughter. This means that, in Haylie and Tony Lowe's son Rob we now have two second generation Instanta employees in our office. Haylie is being trained in all areas of the office and we are sure that she will be a great addition to the company. She tells me that her hobby is shopping. Let's hope that we reach all our bonus targets then.



Here's a man who has hit his targets. Operations Director Dave Wilson has managed to achieve WRAS accreditation once again for our counter top and wall mounted boilers. Despite the hurdles getting ever harder to climb, Dave has climbed them and we have certificates that are valid for five years. If you need details, the DB2000 and the CT Range of boilers are covered until 8 June 2015 by certificate number 1006039. The wall mounted models including WM and WA boilers are valid to the same date under certificate 1006040. Well done Dave. I know how hard a job that was.



One position that we couldn't keep within the Instanta family is that of our new Southern Area Sales Manager. I am nearing the end of the recruitment process now and have been carrying out brief telephone interviews over the last couple of days. Almost all the candidates have phoned now and I am waiting for just a couple more. I have been impressed. They all sounded very pleasant and capable and it's going to be difficult to choose. Fortunately our HR department has a psychometric testing procedure that will assist us in drawing up a shortlist and I look forward to meeting candidates who do well in this very soon.


I have been very selective in my World Cup viewing so far and have only watched the dire England game and the lively Germany Australia match but I have to watch the Brazilians tonight. Ever since they sprang into World consciousness in Mexico and our screens exploded with colour for the first time (we had to go to the next door neighbours as we only had black and white)in 1970 I have awaited their first match with anticipation. I have to say that everything has been a let down since those halcyon days forty years ago but I still live in hope and expect to see a football masterclass tonight. My World Cup gambling fund is almost dry as New Zealand's plucky draw at lunchtime today took me by surprise. Never mind I've still got a bet on Germany and an outside bet on Chile. And as for vuvulzuelas. This blog is officially a vuvulzuela free zone. We've heard enough about them. We've heard them enough.

I'll leave to day with a song for Instanta

Sunday 13 June 2010

A Big Plus For The Samsung 8.0




When I got my new Samsung mobile phone I wrote a disparaging blog about it and compared it very unfavourably to the old Nokia. Having lived with the new phone for some time now , I still haven't found my way around its myriad of features and gimmicks but I have found the camera useful (and extremely high quality)and on Saturday I discovered another feature that I'm pretty sure that the Nokia didn't have - it's capable of surviving being dropped into a pond! Yes, whilst doing some gardening on Saturday, the phone slipped from my shirt pocket straight into the pond where it settled in the mud on the bottom. I fished around for some time before finding it and, to my total astonishment, the screen was still lit. I removed the battery quickly and dried the phone with a hair dryer and it's still working. Pretty amazing I think. Well done Samsung.



I took this photo with the phone when I was at the garden centre. When we were younger and Marion and I started doing a bit of gardening, the only ornamental things that you would see at the garden centre would be a couple of gnomes with fishing rods to put on the rockery. But not today. Crawling from the ground were these ghastly lifesize figures. Which begs the question "What was Dobbies garden centre buyer on when he ordered these?" or maybe if they have actually sold some "What was Dobbies' garden centre customer on when he bought one of these". Are they some sort of latterday scarecrow? Or maybe they are bought by people who also look at one of the following and think "Hmm, yes, three meerkats and a bright yellow fox. They would look nice sitting on the patio"





When we were very young.

Marion and I were having a bit of a tidy up around the house yesterday and came across a pile of old photos. Andy Warhol said " everyone would be famous for fifteen minutes" here is ours. We appeared with Kenneth Kendall and Wincey Willis on the TV show Treasure Hunt and successfully guided Anneka Rice to a £1000 prize in the Scottish borders. It seems like five minutes ago but it was over twenty two years in the past.

I enjoyed watching Germany in the World Cup last night. They were excellent. Which is more than can be said about England. I enjoyed the ITV HD coverage of the England game but how on earth did they manage this? After watching the Everton Liverpool derby when a Tic Tac ad popped up while Everton were scoring the winner I thought that was an unrepeatable one off freak incident but I thought wrong.

Friday 11 June 2010

I Managed To Catch Up






After the hectic week of reading hundreds of applications for the new Southern Area Sales Manager job, I have finally reached the bottom of the pile and created a shortlist of candidates. It's been a really interesting process as we are looking for someone who can sell and not simply someone who knows the catering industry (which seems to be the norm within the industry and has led to it becoming the incestuous place that it is). As a result, I have read through a diverse range of candidates cvs and have been impressed by the high standard. As they live all over the place I have asked the chosen few to give me a ring for an informal telephone interview after which I will be whittling the list down further.



Things are going well even without the new sales manager and orders are at a good level for this time of the year. The WA5N (above) is a particularly good seller but I am hoping that our new sales person will be able to show the customers the huge benefits offered by the more upmarket WM series and CT series boilers which include seven day programmable timers, built in filter monitors and easy to read service diagnostics.



The online diet has prescribed beans on toast with cheese for lunch today. I could make this here in the canteen but Marion is at home and I'm going to pop back and share it with her when I go to pay into the bank. It's the four week weigh in tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed I should have lost my first stone.



Dave Horrocks from our sheet metal department popped his head into my office this morning and told me that he had dreamt last night that he and I were playing scrabble and that I was making weird and peculiar words with my tiles. Now Dave, I am extremely flattered to think that I figured in your dreams but not so happy that I appeared in them as a cheat!


Remember the young drummer boy who came third in Britain's Got Talent last week. Call that drumming? Now this is drumming. Have a good weekend.


Thursday 10 June 2010

So Much To Do So Little Time To Do It In

I thought that, having sold the business on 8th January, despite my agreeing to work this year for our new owners, I might find myself with time on my hands as the transitional period ran on. But nothing could be further from the truth and I have found myself very busy (not, I hasten to add, from pressure from my new bosses). At the moment it's helping Nick to find his new Southern Area Sales Manager. We booked the advert for two weeks but just one week on we are approaching 150 applications and, in fairness to the applicants, I can't just ignore them. It has meant that some good people might be rejected but, with so many to look at, an application that catches the attention is going to be one that gets ahead. This process has resulted in this being only my second blog this week but I do aim to get back to daily blogs soon. I plan to phone some of the best applicants today and tomorrow and invite some of them to interview.



Regular readers know that Marion and I love nothing better than to take a trip to the cinema on a Wednesday and take advantage of the Orange Wednesday offer. Having been given a pile of vouchers for Christmas we are able to sit in the VIP seats and stretch our legs. But we have not been for a couple of weeks now as there is absolutely nothing that we want to see on at our local Vue. So last night we stayed in and watched "Body Of Lies" on the Sky plus Anytime. We don't remember this coming to the cinema (perhaps we were on holiday) so it was totally new to us. Although a little too convincing on the violence(which included a terrorist taking a hammer to Leo's fingers)for squeamish me, it was a decent film and we both enjoyed it.



There are so many of these flags flying locally you would think we were in the midst of some sort of nationalist rally. But it's all to do with football and the world cup, which, I hear, starts tomorrow. Maybe I'll get into it. I have been a football fan for over forty four years and still have my season ticket at Liverpool but I would struggle to name all of the England squad from photos and just can't work up the enthusiasm. Just shows what a year of watching Rafa's dismal reds can do for you. Here at Instanta the lads in the factory are going to miss lunch on Wednesday and work an extra hour in the evening so that those who want to can watch England's second game in the canteen. I'm so excited that I think I will stay in the office and man the phones.



Another problem with having a heavy workload is that it is easier to overlook things and I must apologise to our head of sheet metal work Kevin Marshall who celebrated his 39th birthday on Tuesday. Kevin is on his second stint at Instanta having taken a few years off in the 90's to experience life in the Royal Navy but we were happy to welcome him back in 1999 and he is now into his twelfth year back with us. Last year saw the birth of Kevin and his partner Nicky's lovely daughter Sophie so it has been a very busy year for him on the home front.Kevin stepped into the breach for us when the head of metal work position became vacant unexpectedly and he has done a great job as any of you who inspect the metalwork in our boilers will testify. So, belated birthday wishes to Kevin from all of us here.After the end of the next football season I wonder whether it will be him or me who supports a "small club".

Oh well I better get back to work. I've got to go shopping at lunchtime for the diet stuff and then I have to go and pick up some clothes that have been altered and some curtains that have been repaired (after a builder's accident)and there's a big pile of ironing to do tonight. I told you life was hectic.I'll finish with an appropriate video.

Tuesday 8 June 2010

I'll Hang Up My Tipster Hat




In my last blog I said that our money was on the dog to win Britain's Got Talent but as soon as Tina and Chandi started to perform on Saturday it was obvious that they would not be taking home the £100,000 prize. They just didn't have the same appeal and the routine was much worse than their semi final performance which led me to my tip. Fortunately I also had a bet on Spellbound which won me a princely £31.50 and, equally fortunately, the impressionist, on whom I had £150 liability, did not win. It's fun watching these live shows with the laptop logged onto Betfair. Throughout the programme on Saturday the odds on the singing Grannie from Scotland were shortening as piles of money backed her and she fell to under 5-1 leading me to wonder if someone knew that her act was going to be a show stopper. Fortunately I didn't fall for the trap of leaping onto the bandwagon as, before she stopped singing, her odds had fallen to 100-1.





I had a rare day off work yesterday and went up to Yorkshire with my brother for a spot of metal detecting. We had researched a new site and were delighted to be given permission by our friendly farmer to search it. We climbed an enormous hill (no fun when you need a hip replacement) to get to the field only to find it full of cows. Metal detecting in a field full of cows is no fun so we had to revert to plan b and search fields that we have gone over time and again in the past. But it goes to show that you can never empty a field completely and I found a Girl Guide Badge, an 18th Century livery button, an interesting and probably Victorian decorated fitting (probably for a book) and this copper alloy lion. I have no idea what the lion used to adorn but he was once gilded and will have looked quite impressive. I guess that he is from the 19th century but would love to know what he was used for. Any ideas?



Three weeks into the diet tomorrow and tonight is a highlight as we are having spaghetti bolognese. From this, my first experience of dieting, it seems that diets are really a matter of self discipline.It is so tempting to add another 5 grammes when you weigh out your 25 grammes of nuts or raisins but no, back into the packet they go. Last night's evening meal of one fishcake and some salad leaves left us a bit hungry for the first time but it's still so far so good and we are both losing some weight.



Here at Instanta, I have carried on with the task of helping Nick to vet the applications that have been flooding in via www.jobsite.co.uk for the position of our new Southern Area Sales Manager. Applications have exceeded a hundred now and, whilst it is not very green, we have printed every one out in full so that we can give them proper consideration. The standard looks to be high although I am leaning towards those who have actually checked out Instanta and decided that they want to work for us rather than those who appear to have sent off their CV without tailoring it to us. We have written to all those we have rejected as there is nothing worse than not knowing and we have asked about thirty more to tell us why they really want this particular job. Some applications are very good but let themselves down with poor English (incite instead of insight was a classic and a letter with I as i from start to finish)but I am not going to reject these as we are looking for a sales person not an English teacher.

I got my Liverpool Season Ticket renewal this morning. They are offering an incredible £52 discount for renewing online. Not sure that it costs them £52 to process an application over the phone but I will be happy to take whatever they offer. Speaking of football, World Cup fever is officially upon us. Now I like James Corden who did a good job of hosting Paul's show "A League Of Their Own" but I'm not sure about the lyrics to his new World Cup song which include the yobbish "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough". What do you think?


Friday 4 June 2010

We're Rooting For The Dog





Having wasted several hours this week watching Britain's Got Talent with the aim of having an enjoyable flutter, it all comes to a head this weekend with the grand final. At the moment the acrobat troupe Spellbound are hot favourites at 2-1 but I have a sneaky feeling that Tina and Chandi (the lady and her dancing dog) might just steal it (remember that Subo was favourite last year but was wiped out by Diversity)and at 10-1 on Betfair the dog lady represents very good value. Britain is dog mad and the dog is extremely cute (and can actually perform) so expect dog lovers in their thousands to start dialling as soon as the lines open. I will win a few pounds if either win but the impressionist will set me back badly.



I am delighted that the new WA5N is selling very well with boilers leaving the factory almost as quickly as we can make them. I wish that the customers would notice that we now have two more models in this range and start taking the WA10N and WA2N but as always, it takes a long time for the message to get across whenever we bring out a new range. Most customers have the new brochure, all they have to do now is read it.



I went on Google images and googled "Benitez" for the following comment on my football team. When Elsa Benitez turned up on the first line I felt that she would brighten the blog a lot more than any picture of Rafa. Anyway, what can I say about Rafa. He won us two cups (both on penalties after coming back from behind), he bought our most talented player for years in Torres and our best goalkeeper in Reina, we played some decent attacking football in 2008-2009. Apart from that he alienated the brilliant Xabi Alonso, insisted on playing the boring and negative Lucas week in week out, managed to turn Dirk Kuyt from a prolific goalscorer into a midfielder, Ryan Babel from centre forward to winger and bought enough duff players to fill two second division teams (and most of them wouldn't get a game in the second division). So Rafa, I know that the fans loved you for Istanbul but, let's face it, you were a bit lucky there weren't you and I,for one, won't be saddened by your departure. Adios.

Weekend beckons. I wonder what to do. I haven't had much exercise lately due to my bad hip but I don't think I'll be following Taig Khris. Jumping off the Eiffel tower for kicks is not my idea of fun.




Thursday 3 June 2010

Sick As A Parrot






I've been watching Britain's Got Talent this week. Well, not really watching rather reading the newspaper with it on in the background and the laptop in front of me. When this bloke , Paul Burling, came on last night, he was described as an impressionist so I glanced up to watch his act. Apart from Harry Hill, I had no idea who any of his impressions were of so I laid him (bet against him)£10 to win the competition at odds of 15-1 (leaving me with a potential liability of £140).I was confident that he would lose and we would never see him again so thought it was £10 for nothing. Imagine my surprise when I tuned in later to see that not only was he still in the competition but he had WON his semi final.I can't see him winning the final so I am not that worried about the £140 but if an act like this can get to the final my comment on the show the other day becomes even more valid. Come on ITV and be realistic if you bring this back next year "Britain's Got No Talent" would make a better title.



And talking about being as sick as a parrot, did you read about the drunken parrots in Australia. I am indebted to the Independent's website for the following:-"In Australia's northernmost city it is not the people who are behaving like drunks, but the native parrots, which are falling out of the sky. Darwin's red-collared lorrikeets are suffering from a puzzling condition, with symptoms strikingly similar to those that accompany inebriation. Hundreds have been treated in animal hospitals, where they are fed sweetened porridge and fresh fruit – the avian equivalent of a hangover cure.In recent weeks the brightly coloured birds have been observed falling out of trees, stumbling around the streets and crash-landing when they attempt to fly. Those recovering in hospital are said to be dishevelled, disoriented and grumpy. Above all, they seem to shun bright lights and to experience an overwhelming desire for a good lie-down." The Aussie vets have not got to the cause of the problem yet but eating fermenting fruit seems to be high on the list of possibilities.



There's very little chance of Marion and me getting drunk in view of the diet that we are on at the moment although we are eating plenty of (not fermented)fruit. Three weeks into the diet and my record reports that we have each had three units of alcohol in total. Only about three months to go to reach the target. We seem to be doing OK but I won't be telling you about our progress until we have concrete figures to report.We are having a small party in a couple of weeks and the diet will have to be suspended for a day.



I just went onto the Liverpool FC website to read the latest news about Rafa Benitez. The press is full of reports that he has been offered £3m to leave. But the Liverpool site? Nothing, nada, silence. I had a quick look at how much the season ticket is going to be next year but, surprise ,surprise they haven't decided yet. Maybe they're waiting to see how much it costs to get rid of Rafa and we mugs will have to pay for it. I, for one, won't lose any sleep if Rafa goes. Last season was the worst I can remember with us playing the most boring football ever.