Bargain Bookcase

Following the recent alterations that we had carried out at home Marion and I have been left with quite a lot of antique furniture that doesn't fit in with the new decor. So I have put it on eBay. At the moment this Victorian bookcase that cost us £995 over ten years ago has been bid up to £102. There's still 24hours to go and a lot of interest has been shown. I will be happy if it gets to a couple of hundred pounds. Listed a lot of other stuff as well including this fabulous KMP Berlin cup and saucer c1830 which I have high hopes for.

Here at Instanta some of the lads are working overtime to keep up with the orders. Despite what you read in the papers, we are not in a recession so let's get some positive reporting going. Marion and I have done our best to boost the local economy by spending at local restaurants and the lads in the factory are unselfishly keeping the local hosteleries above water. The message has to be spend spend spend. That will keep a recesssion at bay.



It's been a bit quiet on the betting front as I am waiting for Big Brother to finish so I can cash in my winnings. Guaranteed £275 at the moment but have got £17,517 in the unlikely event of Nicole winning. Want to lay my bets on Nicole (above) but currently 280to 1 means I can only get about £60 back. If she is not nominated tomorrow we may see a price drop. Still haven't seen the programme but will be tuning in on the final night.

Still no winner of the competition but as I have virtually given it away in the last blog, there are no more clues.

Here's one of my favourite songs to blow away the Monday cobwebs.

Friday's Blog

It's Saturday now and this is Friday's blog but it took so long to upload the following video that everyone was going home and I had to switch my computer off. I thought it might be nice for a change for you to have a quick look around Instanta. British manufacturers are fast becoming an endangered species but, as you can see from this, we are still going strong. I originally included the office in the film but there was a service engineer making so much noise at the trade counter (and it wasn't Max singing) that I will have to do the office again another day. As you can see from the film, the lads move at a hell of a pace when the tea break bell goes. I was pleased that I managed to capture the most important event of the Instanta week, the bacon butty delivery.

Just completed the warranty statistics for June. Once again we had very few faults but it was interesting to see that we had to replace 5 LCD display boards on wall mounted boilers. As all these boards were from machines supplied at varying times over the last 24 months it was a bit puzzling and could not be attributed to a batch fault. However, research indicates that each boiler was in an area that had experienced severe electrical storms. As the failure rate on these boards is under 0.08% we are not unduly concerned but, as always, we will seek ways of preventing any recurrence.

The competition still running. It is nothing to do with the Wizard of Oz. (Ding Dong Think Cosmetics). Here's another clue. And if you don't get it now I give up.

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Big things happening in China. But before we all pat the Chinese on the back and congratulate them on a wonderful show, lets all remember how oppressed these people really are. I hope that plenty of peaceful protests during the games show the world that everything is not as rosy as they would like us to think.

No More Victor Meldrew

My critic tells me that my recent blogs make me sound like an egotistical grumpy old man. I (of course) DON'T BELIEVE IT

But just in case she is right, I promise to be nice today. Last night's performances of "Mamma Mia" was wonderful. Pierce Brosnan and Julie Walters sang like angels and danced like Fonteyn and Nureyev. There were no tantrums in the queue when the sold out light went on (just a cheer from the blokes who got to see Batman instead). As one of only 25 men in a capacity audience I felt slightly emasculated but it was good to see what makes women laugh and I feel that if someone reopened the Carry On franchise they may be onto a winner.

Happy Birthday greetings go warmly to Operations Director David Wilson. Dave is 44 today and has worked for us for 28 years. Starting soon after leaving school at 16 Dave has done almost all of the jobs at Instanta including buying and running the stores. He has gained two university degrees whilst working full time and is also qualified in Health and Safety and Environmental Management. Recently Dave has devoted hours to developing our superb new product range and he is pictured here with the first batch of Under Counter boilers which have gone together beautifully. Dave is a devoted father to Jack and Abbie and recently took them on an adventurous outdoor holiday in a wild and wet Wales. With almost a third of the country's Premiership Football teams within 45 miles of Southport, Dave has chosen to support Arsenal and is in our pick the score team as Northern Gunner. Have a great day Dave.

And now that our under counter boilers are going strong we can turn our attention to the last of our development projects the Sous Vide water baths. As we like to think of ourselves expert in water heating technology and wanted to branch out into other areas of catering equipment Sous Vide cooking was a logical step. The machines work brilliantly but, before going into production we are trialing them with a number of top chefs. We will tweak them after the chefs have given us feedback and will launch in late autumn.

Nobody has won our competition yet. To save you time going back through the blogs it is repeated here. And here is an additional clue. Ding dong.

When you order a boiler answer the following question and, if you are the first to get it right, we will give you £20 off your order. Link two time travellers with the following photo.
And to keeping my promise of being nice, here's a nice little song to cheer you all up.

Weeping Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth

When I was young, my Dad, during a religious phase told me that on judgement day there would be "Weeping and Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth". Well today must be judgement day as I have just witnessed such weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth at the local Vue cinema as the girl on the till announced that all tickets for "Wall E" had sold out. The queue instantly burst into tears (and that was just the mums and dads who now had to find something else for the little buggers to do in glorious Southport for two hours). The kids had a spontaneous multiple nervous breakdown as pandemonium broke out with much stamping of feet, bawling and a lot of snot in evidence. This was followed by a mass exodus which left me alone to sneak up to the counter and in a hushed tone buy two tickets for tonight's performance of "Mamma Mia".

You may wonder what on earth I was doing buying tickets for "Mamma Mia" after the Guardian gave it the worst film review ever and no stars. However, everyone we have spoken to who has seen it absolutely loved it. Having said that,apart from Max, these people were predominately female and over 50. On a positive note my son Paul tells me it is about a slut who sleeps with so many men in one month that she doesn't know who fathered her baby (so quite raunchy then) although Margaret in our office tells me that the audience were clapping (it's a bloody film who are you clapping?) and, what's more, dancing in the aisles (oh frabjous day). Oh well we are going to the Warehouse beforehand for a slap up meal and pre- film anaesthetic courtesy of my mum. Thanks Mum.

I think its Meryl Streep who plays the slut.

Meanwhile here at Instanta things continue to go well. We have paid all our bills on time again which makes it about 30 months in a row now. If only the customers would do the same we would save a bomb in interest charges and Lauren's time in chasing them up. It is amazing how many people ask for a copy invoice. They have already had two statements. Does nobody check statements any more? We post them religiously every month and no we don't email them as email is crap and slow payers don't need additional excuses. Fortunately we get a nice big payment from CEDABOND early in the month as most members pay promptly although there are some who are persistently late (you know who you are). Come on lads. A deal is a deal.



All Lauren wants is for you to pay on time.

Which leads me into a message for all the kids who missed Wall E

Competitition is still running. No winner yet. See yesterday's blog for details.

Starfish Frisbees Whatever Next?

I was sad to read in the Guardian yesterday that locals of Grand Ansee beach in Grenada have taken to using starfish as frisbees and hurling them for their dogs to catch. Seems that the beach is beginning to reek from the stench of dead starfish littering the golden sands. You can bet that if starfish had vocal chords the sport would be less popular.

In fact you can bet that life would be a lot different if any fish had vocal chords. At the moment coarse fishing is the second most popular participant sport at Instanta (after binge drinking).When a fish is landed it comes up all wide eyed and with a couple of gasps but just imagine if it came out screaming at the top of it's voice "Owww my bloody gums. Ow get off, ouch. I wan't my mum. God I'm gasping. Owwww. You bastard." I'm sure that would put a few anglers off.

So on to today's competition. When you order a boiler answer the following question and, if you are the first to get it right, we will give you £20 off your order. Link two time travellers with the following photo.
Whilst you are puzzling over that one, the lads in the factory have got together to make a little film for your entertainment.

Oops

Found the perfect antidote to Monday morning blues. Got in the car this morning and played the Scissor Sisters "I don't feel like dancing" on the iPod through the sound system at full blast on loop. If it had been sunny enough for the shades I could have been a Master of the Universe. Great song, great beat. That woke everyone up on the commute to collect the post. No I'm not putting it on the blog. I've already heard it ten times this morning.

Fascinated by all these Friends Reunited ads that keep coming on the telly. I see that's it's now free. So if you want to get in touch with the girl you snogged behind the bike sheds when you were 12 and wreck both your marriages then it won't cost you anything (other than a big solicitor's bill). Never been tempted to join Friends Reunited - Never had any friends.

Yes when I was at school I was a bit different. While everyone else had a paper round, what did I have? A paraffin round! No wonder I had no friends. If anyone had lit up in the playground, the whole school would have gone up.

There was a row of shops near our house. One of these was a hardware store The young bloke who ran it Dave Kippax was bought the shop by his mum after failing everything at school. I was about 14 he was only about 22 himself. Tall and very slim with a Michelangelo's David hairstyle, Dave was the definition of louche. We whiled away the time in between paraffin deliveries, playing football in the back of the shop using coal scuttles for posts and pieces of rubber tubing as a ball. The loser had to buy the Aztec bars (remember them?).

One Christmas Eve was a Saturday and I was asked to work all day. It was one of those fairy tale Christmas eves, the snow was falling lightly and I was very busy taking the paraffin around. I was balancing a five gallon drum on the front basket of the delivery bike so every time I braked the back wheel came up in the air and I almost went over the top. Anyway in between paraffin deliveries, Dave, getting into the Christmas spirit was giving me swigs of whisky from a large bottle he had behind the counter. By the time five o'clock came around I was absolutely plastered. He wished me well for Xmas and gave me 50p for working the day (that was what I usually got for five nights). He also gave me a gallon of paraffin for my mum.

As I said, it was a fairytale Christmas Eve. By now the snow was lying thick on the ground. I was only a few steps from the shop when it happened the first time. "Oops" I remember saying as my feet went from under me. I picked myself up and set off again only for another "Oops" a few yards further on. Fortunately I lived less than a mile away so there were only about 10 more "oops" before I got home. As I got home I managed to get to the top of the very steep steps in our first floor flat. I found my mum who wouldn't have known the meaning of the word drunk never mind suspected it of her 14 year old son. "How was work?" she asked. "Fine Mum. I got an extra 50p and this for you" I said handing her a paraffin can with about a tablespoonful left in it. "Where's the 50p?" she said looking particularly unimpressed with Dave's largess. I patted my pockets but sure enough the 50p had gone. "You better go and find it" said Mum. "OK" I said standing at the top of the stairs and "oops" as I suddenly found myself at the bottom.

Oh well better get back to work and checking out what's going on on Betfair. New competition tomorrow.

In Praise of Peter

When I asked Sales Manager Peter Brindle (above) to concentrate on getting the message across about our super new under counter dispense boilers and counter top push button boilers I knew he would not let me down. Well that's a bit of an understatement and this week he has excelled himself with firm orders worth over £22,000 and a further £35,000 of extremely positive prospects. Well done Pete. You can have tomorrow off.

This blog will shortly officially become a Brian Woods free zone but we had to show this local newspaper billboard. Whilst we were on holiday Brian (our ex head of metal work and key man in our R&D) pleaded guilty to stealing scrap brass swarf from Instanta. He was charged with theft of brass worth £4,000, although our own feelings are that we have lost a lot more. He was sentenced to 240 hours community work and told to repay us £2,000 on top of the £2,000 already repaid. This has been one of the saddest episodes of my time at Instanta. Woods worked for us for many years and I took him to several important matches at Anfield. It is a horrible feeling to know that someone that you trusted with a key to the factory was abusing that trust and syphoning off valuable scrap. These losses jeopardised his colleagues' bonuses and the theft damaged the normally happy atmosphere within the company. Anyway. That's it. No more mentions of Woods. Farewell.

On a more positive note Sean Johnson (above)will be 30 on Sunday. Sean joined us in January 1997 and is a valued member of our assembly team. As you can see from the photo, Sean likes to keep himself fit and spends his free time at the gym. He also enjoys running and swimming. Congratulations Sean. Have a great day.

And finally. Here's a very Friday little film.