Man United Ruined My Accumulator

Was there ever a more bittersweet statement than that. Every week I make a donation to the coffers of Betfair and in return they let me forecast the outcome of between six and eight football matches in return for dreams of riches. And every week I forecast between five and seven of those matches correctly but hardly ever do I get them all right. This week was no exception but as the results at Newcastle and Sheffield came in I was, for once, starting to feel confident as I was sure that AZ Alkmar, Braga and Barcelona would do the business later on (which they did). That left just the mighty Man U against the minnows of Sunderland. And I didn't even have the pleasure of seeing them lose. As, of course, the obligatory injury time goal went in.




Nick tells me that his great new business idea has not brought results yet. Give it time Nick, give it time. I have put a link on Grannies Reunited.




I spent five hours editing my novel yesterday. My professional critic thought that it jumped around a bit too much so I have been cutting chapters and pasting them in other places to try an make a more even flow. The big problem then is continuity. For example one character has a disability caused by a long past accident. Have I mentioned it by Chapter six? No? Damn. Rewrite of Chapter six needed.



When I haven't time to get into writing the novel I've been spending a lot of time on Harper Collins Authonomy website. Here you can upload your book and let others criticise or praise it.Those who support the books which become most popular get points and rise up the charts as "Talent Spotters". I have somehow managed to get myself to number 63 in the Talent Spotter chart. I don't think that I am in a position to criticise but I certainly think I can tell if a book is readable or not.


I must thank our expert photographer Peter Raymond for giving me this link. He knows how I feel about bankers.

Happy Birthday Peter

It's a sign that the blog has been running for a long time when Instanta Staff birthdays start to come around for the second time and here is Peter Barlow who celebrates his 48th birthday on Sunday.



And here's how he appeared on the blog this time last year in happier times before credit crunches and recession and just after his beloved Manchester United had won the Champions League. For some reason he didn't seem keen on waving his scarf around this year. But I won't give him any stick as his workmates at ASDA (where he does a few extra hours)have already given him punishment enough. Storeman Peter lives and breathes football and it was a sad day when we reported on the blog that he had finally hung up his boots due to persistent injury. But you can't keep a football fanatic down and within a short while he was back only to be out again a few weeks later.Peter's football version of the hokey cokey continued throughout the year and he is now back again having made more farewell appearances than Frank Sinatra. Football aside, Peter is also a devoted father. His son James is a talented footballer as too is youngest son Alex who, along with his sister Heidi is an outstanding dancer. Have a great day Peter.



Heidi and Alex once auditioned for "Britain's Got Talent" but were not successful but tonight it's our CEDABOND waiter Greg Pritchard's turn to appear in the semi finals. I see that his odds on Betfair are very long so people aren't rating his chances but he is a charismatic young man and if he performs well he could easily cause an upset. I've had a very small flutter on the competition and have simply bet against Susan Boyle winning. Her behaviour after winning her semi final was weird to say the least and the subsequent press reports of four letter tirades against fellow contestants and the police are hardly the way to make friends and influence people. I was quite amused last night when Amanda Holden said that if Callum Francis didn't get into the final after his medley of Jungle Book songs the other judges would have her to answer to. So when young Callum was up against Two Grand for the judges' vote who did she vote for? Two Grand of course.



It's the last working day of the month. That's the day when our overdraft is at its very lowest level before we pay all our bills on Monday. That's right all our bills on Monday (customers please note we would appreciate it if you could do the same). Sadly we have a big corporation tax bill to pay on Monday so the overdraft will be right back up again. I was thinking of going cap in hand asking the Inland Revnue to give us a bit more time as I hear that they are very sympathetic at the moment (for a change)but to be honest I haven't really got any sob stories to spin, no big customers gone bust so we'll just have to pay up.



Speaking of efficient cash flow control, two days after the final game of the season at Anfield, the Kop season ticket renewal forms land on my desk. But amazingly all prices are reduced for next season from £650 to £634 a saving of £16 or 2.46%. But hang on a minute hasn't VAT gone down? So what's the saving before VAT? £2 per season or 10p per match. Thanks Liverpool. All prices reduced! The generosity astounds me. They should establish the club as a registered charity.



The weather forecast for the weekend is good. Marion and I have invited her mum and a number of her elderly friends and our neighbour round for Sunday lunch so we should be able to have the roast in the garden. The older generation tends to be overlooked and we know a number of widows and widowers who are on their own with families a long way away and they don't get many chances to get out. The conversation at the lunches is always interesting and I hope that when we reach that age somebody feels the same about us.

I'll leave you with young Callum and decisive judge Amanda Holden.

Drag Me To Hell

We rushed home from "Drag Me To Hell", our Orange Wednesday trip to the cinema last night in time to catch the wannabee young apprentices on TV. This week's task was to perform live on television whilst grumpy old Sir Al watched from a distance. He wanted them to go out and sell themselves and make sure they hit their targets. As usual his faithful pair of old codgers were on hand to help him out and he even took the unusual step of making one of them team leader (only for him not to be seen for the next hour when he was replaced by the other who seemed intent on taking big chunks out of the competition).Sir Al wanted them to go for bling. He had his eyes on that enormous silver cup with the big handles but the team went for the safe option and went instead for the small silver medals engraved with the word "LOSER". Which was a big mistake as the cup was a big ticket item with an estimated £96m payback which Sir Al could have used to keep little Carlos in the side.Fortunately for the viewers, the other team played a blinder. We missed the boardroom scenes but I'm pretty sure that Sir Al will have pointed the finger and said "Berbatov. You're fired!"



Meanwhile on BBC1 "The Apprentice" had a similar theme with the contestants having to sell live on a TV shopping channel.Even the glamorous Kate was unable to use her charms to sell a polystyrene cat that you pushed pins into.Perhaps a polystyrene Sir Al would have brought better results. The show ended with the ever jovial James likening himself to Hugh Heffner. Left in the house with those women I think I would have opted for Macbeth, James.



Meanwhile our photographer Peter Raymond sent me a link to a bizarre news story about the proposed launch of a new reality TV show. It seems that past contestants on "I'm a Celebrity" are getting together to launch "It's an Election.". So far David Van Day and Esther Rantzen have thrown their hats into the ring. Peter Andre was very interested until he realised that he'd misread the title.



I see that Nicholas Soames has launched an official complaint against the BNP using Churchill's image in their campaign literature although why Nicholas is worried about a stuffed dog with a Yorkshire accent is beyond me. Oh yes! Have you noticed how whenever a BNP supporter is interviewed on TV they always, without exception, start by saying "I'm not racist but"? Isn't it strange how they always forget to finish the sentence. I'll do it for them "I'm not racist but I AM very thick."



As for last night's film "Drag Me To Hell". It was a very entertaining bit of fun with plenty of jump out of your seat shocks and a lot of laugh raising horrors. As we were forty years older than the vast majority of the audience we found it hard to cope with their constant traipsing in and out of the cinema to check their text messages. I would have gladly dragged them to hell.



Here at Instanta the Dealer Newsletter is now in the post. Look out for it.

Quote of the night came from Andy Gray during Sky Sport's coverage of the Champions League Final. It was twenty three minutes from the end and United were trailing 2-0. "If they don't do something in 23 minutes, it will be all over." Talk about stating the bleedin obvious. I'll finish with last night's lesson for the young apprentices.

Headless Nude Found In Garden

Regular readers may recall how we returned home one day a couple of months ago to find that our local garden contractor had managed to dig up an ivy that we wanted trimming and trim a bush that we wanted digging up. The dust eventually settled and yesterday we asked Freddie (not his real name) to return and put up some trellis. I've known Freddie for thirty years now and I'm not one to let one little mistake sour our relationship. I went into the garden to inspect the finished job which was great. But near to the trellis was an unrecognisable terracotta lump. Well, unrecognisable for a split second that was. It was an antique art deco nude sculpture that had sat serenely by the pond for years and was now sitting serenely minus her head. "What happened to the statue?" I asked "Oh sorry John I caught her with the drill cable. Can I replace her for you?" I smiled whilst inside I was screaming. Said statue was worth twice as much as the work he'd just carried out. "No. Just stick her head back on please Freddie." Let's hope he sticks it back on the right way round. With a £250 excess on the insurance it's not worth a claim.



The pond with nude in left foreground before her "accident"



Speaking of insurance, our household renewal papers came from our brokers a couple of weeks ago. The excess had risen to £500 and the monthly premiums to almost £200 an increase of over 15%. Now I'm usually pretty passive on this sort of thing and would have just filed it away but at the moment Marion has her credit crunch crusade going and started shopping around. Eventually she got the same cover for almost £90 per month less on the Internet. And what's more she got if from THE SAME INSURER! This was a huge lesson for us both.



Apart from enjoying a fine meal that Marion cooked and the company of our old friends Dave and Jane Haworth, yesterday was altogether a bit of a disappointment. What with the lady losing her head,Manchester United winning the Premiership, no numbers on the lottery and non stop torrential rain in the garden. At least we had Eurovision to look forward to and the magnificent rainbow that appeared just before it started raised the spirits.



But sadly for a big Eurovision fan like me, it only added to the day's catalogue of disappointments.Apart from the girls splashing around in transparent paddling pools suspended from the ceiling which looked as if it had been designed for alternative entertainment at a lap dancing venue, there was very little in the Eurovision spirit. The occasional comedy interludes kept up the comedy interlude tradition by not being remotely funny whilst the runaway winning song from Norway wasn't even hummable. At least the Turkish entry Num Tek Tek had enough bare flesh to keep it high on the leader board (God knows how the Muslim politicians who wanted bikinis banned from billboards in Turkey will have reacted) and Germany's burlesque number was visually entertaining (shame about the song). My douze points would unquestionably have gone to the Ukraine for the incredible set, wonderful dancers' costumes and the singer who looked like she had taken fashion tips from some ladies of the night - and the song about "sexy boms" wasn't bad either. Of course this means that we haven't see this week's "Britain's Got Talent Yet".I wonder if there is a rival to our Greg yet.

I'll leave you today with the song that should have been a worthy winner.