Some people didn't believe that we had blizzard conditions in Birmingham on Tuesday but, as you can see from the photos, we did, and there was still a bit of snow on the ground on Wednesday morning. The exhibition was a success for us with phenomenal interest shown in our new under counter range of boilers. It is now down to us to convert the interest to sales. Craig and Nick put in a big effort on the stand and by the end of the week were expert at grabbing passers bys' attention. It was quite surprising to see how many stand holders gave up the opportunity to engage the visitors and simply let them walk by. Here is Nick engaging some interested passers by.



Having been away all week the weekend has come upon us very fast which is very nice. No match at Anfield this week so we can catch up on a a few jobs around the house. It's great to see Liverpool top of the league but it's a pity I can't say the same about my woeful position in the Guardian Pick the Scores league where I am languishing near the bottom. But, as they say in football, it's game of two halves and it's not over until the final whistle (as Arsenal found to their amazement on Wednesday night).



What do you make of all the fuss about these two? A couple of overgrown schoolboys make some puerile jokes and leave crude messages on the answering machine of a pensioner and suddenly the recession is off the front page and Andrew Sachs has more coverage than John McCain. Let him stand for president next week and he might give Barack a bit more competition. I don't know about you but I honestly think that if a tabloid paper had not splashed the story the BBC would have had the original 2 complaints and not the current 30,000. Would you complain about something you didn't hear? I don't think it was funny and I don't like Wossy much but Brand is a very funny guy with a brilliant way with words and I think that an apology would have been enough. Hare Krishna Russell. As for Andrew's granddaughter Georgina below, she must be made up with coverage. There's no such thing as bad publicity. Especially as it's Halloween.



Oh well it was a bit of welcome light relief from recession and doom and gloom. I feel sorry for the ending of the glittering career of BBC Radio2 controller Leslie Douglas.

Don't forget to watch the X Factor tomorrow night when Daniel will be singing for survival with the following


If only he could perform like that.

No More Snow Please

Whilst it may look pretty, yesterday's snow here in Birmingham was not welcome. When you have spent thousands on an exhibition the last thing you want is for the visitors to cancel their visits due to bad weather and boy was it bad yesterday afternoon. Poor Nick (pictured above with Craig and Marion) took a tumble in the car park whilst trying to take a short cut and ended up sliding down a grass verge.It would have been ok if he had had a toboggan but he went down on the seat of his pants. Fortunately he was able to see the funny side.

Yesterday at five pm looked a bit like this.

The Interbuild show was good yesterday and (weather permitting) we are expecting another good day today.

Jenny is running the office and it has been good to be away confident that things will run smoothly at home.

Won't be blogging now until we get back to the office.

Breakfast Included

Doing our bit for the credit crunch Marion and I decided that £15.95 each for the breakfast here at the hotel at the NEC was a bit over the top and made do with a couple of bananas and a cup of tea in the room. On our third day at the exhibition Nick (who booked the rooms) pointed out that breakfast was included in the room rate! Oh well I suppose that bananas were better for us than the fry up we had this morning.

It reminds me a little of the time that my dad wanted to watch a big boxing match on Sky TV. He subscribed to Sky Sports but felt cheated when they decided to put the match on a box office channel. To book the match you had to phone a number. Dad decided to phone the number to give them a piece of his mind and express his disgust. Unfortunately he only got through to an automated message. He sat and listened to the boxing on the radio but subsequently discovered that his complaining phone call had booked the match for him so his account was charged and while he was listening to the fight on the radio it was available for him to watch on the TV.

Sky won with a knockout.

It was quiet at the exhibition yesterday so I hope it gets a bit busier today or we will end up with every lead costing us £100. Mind you we have had some good leads so things may go well. I wish it had been quiet at the hotel last night. The fire alarm went off at 6 am. Marion and I along with everyone else at the hotel were stood in a freezing car park in bath robes and nightwear for 15 minutes so not a great start to the day. The same thing happened at this hotel 2 years ago but fortunately that was at 8pm.

Oh well better get off to the show. We've got some polishing to do before it opens. 

Instanta and the feel good factor

Yes it's official. A researcher's report in the journal "Science" has concluded that simply holding a hot cup of tea or coffee is sufficient to engender warm feelings towards strangers thinking them more welcoming and trustworthy. The warmth of a drink also influences whether people are more likely to be selfish or give to others. So if you want a happy workplace full of generous giving people buy one of our boilers and give everyone a nice piping hot drink to hold. They might even drink them when they have finished hugging each other.



I reckon that Dermot's got his own Instanta boiler in his dressing room. Have you ever seen anyone with warmer feelings towards his fellow man? I feel a bit sorry for him now as we are down to the last few contestants and less hugging opportunities. Mind you I bet he's keeping his fingers crossed that the extremely huggable Ruth stays in a bit longer.



Talking of staying a bit longer, could the dire Daniel have parodied that Peter Kay show any more than he did on Saturday night? What a travesty. OK his wife died but does that make him a great singer? I don't think so. What's he going to sing next week when he has to sing for survival? It wouldn't surprise me if they wheeled on a potter's wheel and he sang "Unchained Melody". But I'm pretty sure that this one is pretty high on the list of possibilities. It will bring the house down and send home some other poor bugger who can sing but hasn't got a sob story.



One thing's for sure. It's a disco theme next week and Daniel WON'T be singing "Staying Alive".

It's only a matter of days now to the US election. Readers will know that I put over £900 on Barack winning but I have to say that I got cold feet on Saturday after reading about the Bradley effect and laid Obama. This means that if he wins I only win £80 but if he loses I still win a couple of quid. What's the Bradley effect?



Tom Bradley was a Los Angleles mayor who, according to the polls, had an unassailable lead in a gubernatorial race. However when the results came out he lost. It appears that when responding to polls people don't want to appear prejudiced but in the safety of the polling booth they can reveal their true colours and poor Tom's colour wasn't the right one.

We are at the NEC at the moment at the Interbuild exhibition. Yesterday was pretty good. The stand looks good and the customers' response to the equipment was great. Will try and post some photos tomorrow if I can find the camera lead.

Happy Birthday Chubby

It's Mike Chubbs' 36th Birthday on Sunday and we all wish him a really great day. Mike has been working at Instanta for 14 years and, after starting on the shop floor, has risen to being in charge of our engineering workshop and running 2 CNC lathes. We are delighted with the progress that he has made and are sure that he will make a great job of training his new sidekick Craig Mercer. Mike is a devoted father to son Jamie and partner to Lisa. He enjoys golf and football and is a talented centre back with a local side. He also supports Everton but nobody's perfect. Have a good one Mike.



Four of us are off to the NEC tomorrow for the big Interbuild Exhibition. We've got a superb stand (or so the stand fitters tell me) and I am looking forward to seeing it. Nick and Marion have put a lot of effort into the design and Nick has spent hours organising everything so I am sure that it will run very smoothly. I am grateful to both of them for all their efforts and hope that we get the custom that we deserve.



The new DB2000 push buton models are going well with another 9 ordered this week. For a model in its infancy this is very encouraging and I am confident that this will soon become a staple in the mould of the WB200 which made Instanta what it is today.

Which reminds me of around 22 years ago when Instanta was doing very nicely indeed with a near monopoly in the auto fill water boiler market for the catering trade. My dad was invited to give a talk to a catering conference and devoted his entire slot to telling everyone how the WB200 was his baby and how it had made him his fortune. The upshot was that within two months his monopoly was blown out of the water by competitors who had been at the talk and thought "We'll have some of that". Nice one dad. So if any competitors are reading this and haven't got a boiler in the range, we are doing rubbish and it's really not worth the effort. And, although we stopped making the WB200 in its original shape in 1996, I am pleased to say that we still get asked for spares. A true testimony to their longevity.



We did something nasty this week and fired someone. I really don't like doing this and it is really a last resort but rules are rules and if the rules say that you must report sickness, you must report sickness. It's not difficult.

I am doing well with my staff appraisals and have only two left to do. The interviews have gone well and I am really pleased with the level of staff performance and commitment that I have seen. I am pretty sure that I will see the same from the last two so I am really happy with this side of things.



You will have noticed a somewhat depressed air hanging over the last couple of blogs. It has not exactly lifted but we have at least made a plan of action to cover eventualities if late payers turn into non payers. Thanks to Marion we have had a near perfect record on bad debts over the last few years and it is inevitable that some will crop up in a recession. The secret has to be to limit the risk and spread the customer base as wide as possible. I think that we are doing that but the chasing is no fun.

I went to see Datafile software yesterday, They held an open day to demonstrate their new software and show people around their new offices. We have been using Datafile accounting software for over 20 years and it has been excellent. However I learnt so much more about its capabilities yesterday and am really looking forward to using all the new features next year. I strongly recommend this software to anyone considering an accounting package.

Well it's time to finish those staff interviews now. Wish us luck at the NEC. Will probably be blogging from the hotel.

Getting Twitchy

I am not in the blogging frame of mind at the moment and probably won't be until we get a clearer vision of when people are going to pay us. Two administrations last week was a bit of a warning shot but this week the money coming in has slowed down and some customers are becoming extremely evasive. I don't want to be a doom and gloom merchant but this one could run and run. Let's see what happens in the next week. I am pleased that sales are holding up and the boilers are working really well with virtually no problems but I have to say that we are all getting a bit twitchy. Will blog some more when I get some better vibrations.

This time it's no joke

Well now it's an official recession (the Governor of the Bank of England says so) we all have to decide how to get through it. Mind you, in the light of recent events a banker can hardly be considered to be the most reliable source of information. So that's it. There isn't a recession.

But if there was, we have to follow the boy scouts' motto and "Be prepared" although I'm not quite sure that this was what Baden Powell had in mind when he started the movement.

Now that the scouts have been given them at least they will be ready for the cheapest and most obvious time filler for these recessionary times.

We had a board meeting today. That's when we have some nice sandwiches from Tesco and I tell Dave, Nick, Marion and Gavin how the results look. And then we try and plan for the next year. We spent a lot of time considering price increases. Not always the wisest decision in a recession but sometimes a necessity. We feel that we have come up with a fair and sensible compromise and all will be revealed soon.

I wonder what this recession's legacy will be when it is all over. There are already a few popular sayings that you won't be hearing again or will attain new meanings

"It's as safe as houses" Will replace "It's a lame duck"

"It's a lame duck" - A tasty free meal opportunity

"It's money in the bank" - It's in a black hole in Iceland

"In for a penny in for a pound" "In for a pound out for a penny"

I joked a bit last week when a couple of customers went into administration but today we are getting very bad vibes about a compny that owes us nearly twenty grand and they aren't even in Yorkshire. But if a company with a £2 million credit rating won't offer a payment date for overdue accounts maybe it's time to take things a bit more seriously. I'm getting quite nervous about this one.



To cheer us up we are off to the pictures tonight to see the new Coen brothers film "Burn after reading". I've read mixed reviews but with the Coens in charge and Clooney and Pitt in the cast it has to be worth a look.

All remains quiet on the betting front with the Newcastle Manager market as flat as a pancake and all my money tied up in the US Presidential race. Maybe not such a bad thing. Come on Barack we may need the cash.

Today We Gained A Daughter

Marion and I are delighted that from today (or last night to be precise) we have gained a daughter in the shape of the lovely Josephine Green. Paul, flushed with the success of "Are you an egghead?" popped the question. "Josephine will you marry me? Is it A) No Way, B) You must be kidding? or C) Yes?". Fortunately for Paul, after two incorrect tries Josephine got it right and wedding bells will be ringing. Of course the downside to our gaining a daughter is that Josephine will be gaining a mother and father in law - sorry Josephine well at least you should never be short of hot water. Our very very best wishes go out to them both. Here's a song to sum up our feelings.



We went to visit our old friend Malcolm Fryer last night. Malcolm is a wonderful atist and we are looking for a painting to finish the new bedroom in the loft. Malcolm showed us a super selection and is bringing the top three round so we can make a final choice.


The wonderful news has left me a bit short for words today. So I'll just leave it at that and when I get back down to earth will hope to get back into blogging mode tomorrow.

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned

I did something wicked yesterday. I bought the Mail on Sunday. Forgive me Lord for, as a Guardian Reader, I have committed the ultimate sin. Well they were giving away a Tina Turner CD with the paper and I did bin the rest when I got outside the newsagent's. Can you forgive me? Can I return to the fold of sandal wearing beardies that represents my comfort zone? I promise I won't do it again (unless they give away something by the Pogues). Hang on a minute. What are these tracks on the Tina CD?   "What's Asylum Seekers Got to Do With It?" , "I Can't Stand The Scroungers?" and "Let's Stay Together - Kick Out All the Immigrants".    What a cheat! You just couldn't make it up.

I really enjoyed the match at Anfield on Saturday and can't understand all the fuss Steve Bruce made about the sending off. OK the first booking was a bit harsh but when you know you've been booked you don't immediately lunge into a reckless tackle a couple of minutes later. As the Kop sang their customary song about Bruce's unfeasibly large noggin, the bloke next to me (clearly an outsider) asked "what's a bigfa ted?". Well stranger, I hope this throws some light on it for you.



Steve Bruce. He's got a Bigfa Ted, he's got a Bigfa Ted, he's got a Bigfa Ted.

And Lord forgive me again for the following Youtube video. I am sorry for its utterly useless filming, terrible monotone voice over and probably getting the whole process wrong to boot but I was so impressed to see our supplier KLH's new fully automated pcb making facility that I wanted to share it with you. We use such advanced technology in our boilers now that the microelectronics are truly microscopic.



And Lord forgive me again for Friday's blog which caused our son considerable discomfort. Whilst he does realise that his mere existence bears testimony to the fact that Marion and I have at some time had sex, he did not want to imagine that it could still be an ongoing possibility. Sorry son. And speaking of Paul I urge you all to set your Sky plus for BBC2 at 4.30 starting today when Dermot Murnaghan presents "Are You An Egghead?". Paul developed and scripted this show complete with corny catchphrases and I hope it turns out to be a huge success.

So now I am on a roll of begging for forgiveness. Lord forgive me for selling a cup and saucer on eBay that did not match. Christ I nearly got my first negative feedback. Three months after I sold it the buyer got in touch and said she'd just spotted the difference. Well if it took her three months to spot it how the hell was I supposed to notice, I only had it for a couple of days. Can you spot it?

And finally Lord forgive me for watching too much telly. But let's face it, Saturday nights on ITV are a dream. The fabulous Harry Hill TWICE followed by X Factor. It's a couch potato's idea of heaven. And in case you missed it, just watch this wonderful Peter Kay medley. Could the songs possibly segue more seamlessly? No wonder Geraldine is outselling Leon in the charts.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Office

Sunday sees our office cleaner Dave Boutle's 49th birthday. Dave, otherwise known as eBay legend Lydiate_Boutie is a keen gardener and odd job man as well as an art lover and bibliophile. He also happens to be a world authority on hostess trolleys scouring the country for the holy grail of the Croslee HL6232 or the Philips Executive before listing them on the web. Dave has amassed 884 eBay feedbacks (100% positive) and a purple star. His feedback bears testimony to his expertise.

"Since Dave delivered, my husband has had something hot on the table every night.5 stars"

"My sausage is never shrivelled thanks to my new hostess. 5 Stars"

"Sausage? Huh. You should see my meat and two veg. 5 Stars"

"Oo er missus. 5 stars"

Anyway Dave I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a nice day with your own trolley dolly Bernardette.




I particularly enjoy reading the wonderful Guardian political sketch writer and columnist Simon Hoggart (above). In last Saturday's column he wrote about how he might be spending time now that the credit crunch was starting to bite "Books are a cheap pleasure, and you can share them round. Sex. TV will go on pumping out, and there will be stacks of escapist entertainment. You can go for a walk in the country rather than a weekend in Prague." I just loved the construction of that bit. Was there a subliminal message to Mrs Hoggart there? Blink and you'd miss it but 12 words about books full stop sex full stop 14 words about TV and 15 about other recreations. I can just imagine life in the Hoggart family last Saturday "Have you read my column yet dear?" "Not yet, why?""Oh nothing in particular" and later"Have you read my column yet dear?" "Not yet, why?""Oh nothing in particular" and later still"Have you read my column yet dear?" "Yes I have read your column and if you think I'm going to spend the credit crunch having long sessions walking in the bloody country you're severely mistaken. Now come here mon petit choux. Lydiate_Boutie has just been round and oh boy have I got something hot for you".



Which got me thinking how Marion and I will spend our penniless days of credit crunch penury. Building a scale model of the Titanic in macrame? Starting chain letters asking for compliments slips? Burning compliments slips instead of coal? Sex? Dining on mince and slices of quince? Worrying about the Yorkshire problem? Stealing empty champagne bottles from the bottle bank to leave in our recycling box to impress the neighbours? Oh the joy and anticipation.

And so to our competition. Now it is becoming increasingly obvious to me that only Margaret from ABC Direct is trying to win my wonderful prizes so I might as well just give ABC more discount and save myself the effort. However just for ,bottle, Margaret, there is ,of, somewhere in this sentence a completely, smoke, subliminal message. Good luck Margaret and no more competitions for a while.


Oh and a quick message to Marion. Have you read my blog yet?

An Uncomfortable Case Of Deja Vu

When I opened the post this morning there was a letter from a chartered accountant re Catering Direct (Yorkshire) Ltd. It seems that they have ceased to trade with immediate effect and there will be no money for unsecured creditors (that's people like us who have sold them stuff and haven't been paid). I thought this was just a follow up from yesterday's email but then I did a double take. I mean yesterday's email was about a company with Yorkshire in the title wasn't it? Yes but it's NOT THE SAME COMPANY. This means that in two consecutive days this week we have customers that have gone bust. Is this a taste of things to come? Only eighty quid this time for some spare parts but that's a round of drinks for the Christmas party.



What should we do? Do we close all Yorkshire accounts? Do we act suspiciously when encountering Yorkshire accents? Is it just a Yorkshire thing? They are supposed to be good with money over there. I mean just look at Leeds United and Halifax Building Society. On second thoughts ...........

My bet on Barak Obama is looking pretty good although it's still a bit worrying to have over £900 at stake. However I think that I should stick to my guns having seen his hockey mom running mate's reception at a recent hockey game.



And what about the comments from McCain and Palin's supporters at their rallies? "Terrorist. Kill Him. Off with his head" are just a few of the audiences' cries. If that is a genuine feeling it really is a good job that I bet by laying McCain rather than backing Obama.



Poor Lauren (above) is a bit poorly today and has had to go to hospital. Get well soon Lauren, we miss you.

It was like being back in the school playground last night when Betfair updated it's forum. I log on most days for ten minutes to get the latest football and betting gossip. Until last night swearing was taboo although most members got past the censors by using strategically placed asterisks and ingenious metaphors. However it now seems that swearing is OK (apart from words like Ladbrokes, Paddy Power, William Hill etc which are still censored) as, let's face it we have to be over 18 to be on the site. However the new found freedom ended up with almost every thread having an obscenity in the title and if there had been one titled "Poo-poo wee wee smelly bum's bet of the day" I would not have been at all surprised.

Well the good news is it's been yet another really busy day for orders. The bad news? Ee bah gum they're all from bloody Yorkshire.

Sous Vide Goes On Trial

We have now got two sous vide water baths on trial with leading chefs Marc Verite of Southport's Michelin recommended Warehouse Brasserie and former British Meat Chef of the Year Steve Collinson of Chapter One East Keswick. Pictured above are young chefs Dan and Danny of Chapter One with their superb new water bath in the foreground. There has been some debate amongst Instanta staff regarding the meaning of the term "sous vide" with Peter Brindle coming up with the most impressive but I can assure everyone that "sous vide" is simply French for "under vacuum".



I see that Fabio has got to grips with the WAG problem and they will no longer be welcome when England travel. I don't know what took him so long. We banned our WAGS from our Tuesday night five a side a long time ago. We had to do it because the local leisure centre was getting overrun with the girls in their D&G and DKNY flashing their new boobs and putting the lads off their game.


What exactly does "Made in Denmark" mean? We recently had a few failures on switches and asked the supplier for a report. We had no switch failures under warranty last year so even one failure would be considered bad news and when we got four we were not happy. We had specifically chosen a very expensive Danish made switch as we pride ourselves on using only the finest components in our boilers. We were therefore a little surprised when the quality report came back to us from China! We are pleased that the fault was acknowledged and rectified quickly but as I said at the start of this paragraph "what exactly does "Made in Denmark" mean?". Seems that made in China and finished in Denmark wouldn't fit on the switch!

And whilst on the subject of trade with China. We have some small rubber components made over there. Last time we bought them in March they were 8p each. Yesterday we ordered several thousand more and were quoted 50p each due to "increased costs". Now I know that inflation has been on the up but if it's 625% in three months I would advise you to sell Yuan now.



We had our first warning of recession yesterday when we got an email advising us that Allied Catering Supplies (Yorkshire) Ltd has ceased trading and no funds will be available to unsecured creditors (that's people like us who sold them stuff and haven't been paid). They only owe us around £500 but, as we had zero bad debts in our last trading year, this looks a bit ominous just one month into the new year.Let's hope it is a blip and not a sign of things to come. If it is, it looks like we might be going to the pub for a bit of karaoke for our Christmas do. Here's an appropriate song for us to sing when we get there.

Mum's Gone To Iceland

Do you remember that catchy jingle of a few years back? Of course you do. So how can people running a major Police force invest taxpayers money in somewhere that's famous for nothing but bumper packs of cheap frozen sausage rolls? If you have had recent experience of the law it will come as little surprise to discover that their ineptness spreads far beyond their ability to find out who dunnit. When they made these investments they were probably expecting a bonanza of fish fingers in police canteens across the country and free chicken nuggets for all. At least the Scottish force got it right. They put all their money in Tescos.

In fact that's probably not as daft as it sounds. Lets face it Tesco seems to be pretty heavily involved in offering all the services you can get from your bank; insurance, savings, credit cards, loans, cash etc. Why don't they start a bank and it can be yet another step towards their world domination? Next time you go for a big shop you can stick a hedge fund or toxic loan in the trolley along with your finest ciabatta bread and organic muesli. Except they seem to be cutting back on the organics at the moment. I haven't been able to get my organic green tea for weeks now. I believe that it is a sign of the credit crunch. We all want to be green, healthy and organic but one sniff of a recession and its back to value white bread and, er, bumper packs of cheap frozen sausage rolls.

And what the hell is a hedge fund? Have the bankers been putting all our money into leylandii, box and privet? Are their trading floors a jungle of topiary animals? We should be told. Here we are working our socks off in manufacturing whilst the country's economy collapses and what are the bankers doing? Wasting all their money on their bushes.

Well if we keep talking about recession we'll get one so it's time for more important things.



Who do you think will win this time? On Saturday they had last year's winner Leon performing and I have to say that he was as bad then as he was when he won. But Cheryl Cole has got some great acts and I can't help feeling we will be seeing a final consisting solely of her performers. I have had a few bets on two of the girls and can't see any others touching them. It must have been quite incredible in the Cole household on Saturday night. Cheryl wowing millions on X Factor and husband Ashley watched by millions playing for England. Mind you if we had telephone votes on the England match Ashley might have found himself on the way home with Bad Lashes. (Not that he'd complain about that).


And having watched "Britain’s Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice "on Sunday it's a great pity that R Wayne isn't in the X Factor. He'd win by a mile.

Did you see about the Fisher Price doll that indoctrinates kids with subliminal Islamic messages? According to mad mothers in America the doll says "Islam is the Light". Check it out for yourself in the video. Sarah and Paul had loads of Fisher Price stuff when they were kids so that might explain Sarah's dressing in a burka and Paul praying to Mecca half a dozen times a day. I think it was the Jack in the Box that did it. While we all thought he was just jumping out of his box going "WEEEEEEEESQUEAKSQUEAK" he was actually doing a kiddy version of the call to prayer. Maybe the American moms haven't realised that FISHER PRICE is an anagram of AL QAIDA (well almost).



Having watched that again it seems clear to me that the doll is saying "ICELAND is the light". I bet there's one of those dolls in Police Investment Division. (In charge probably).

Off to Leeds now to deliver the second Sous Vide water bath for evaluation. It's going to a brilliant chef and I am sure that his feedback will be extremely useful.

The Return of the Chain Letter

I got a chain letter in the post this morning. It's the first for a while but they've been around for a long time. I remember when I was a kid I'd get one asking me to send postcards to the names at the top of the list and like magic (as long as I didn't "BREAK THE CHAIN") within a few months I would be the recipient of a million postcards from all over the world. So I religiously went out and spent my pocket money on lovely postcards of Southport like this.

And got precisely nothing. I even tried a different tack with saucy seaside cards like this



But still nothing, zilch, zero nada. But I didn't "BREAK THE CHAIN".

Twenty years on another started doing the rounds. This one was for ladies' lingerie and all the girls I worked with in the bank got one and plenty of giggling ensued as they strove not to "BREAK THE CHAIN". Of course they got no nice lingerie in return. The person who started the chain was probably an old perv who got tired of robbing knickers from washing lines.



Anyway. More recently they started turning up asking for me to pass on prayers. Here's an example.

PRAYER:
May today there be peace within you.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing that you are a child of God.
Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of you.

But they then went on to add the ubiquitous "DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN" and told of Mary Lou of Arkansas who broke the chain and was immediately consumed by a bolt of lightning or Arnold Davies of Dallas who was eaten alive by an alligator.

However the letters would always end "Praise the Lord Amen"

Well how about my chain letter in today's post? It came from an important customer so it has some gravitas. It relates the story of a poor little nine year old boy (let's call him Jimmy Smith) who is dying of a particularly nasty form of cancer. And before he dies Jimmy would like to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's biggest collection of , wait for it , COMPLIMENTS SLIPS. Christ Jimmy why didn't you say you wanted to get into the Guinness Book Of Records for being the world's most boring nine year old. I mean Football Stickers maybe, Playstation Games perhaps, Five Pound Notes even but bloody compliments slips? I can just see poor sick little Jimmy's eyes light up today as his mum opens the door to the knackered postman who is weighed down by sack loads of post and she opens them one by one. "Hey Jimmy look at this one", "It says "With Compliments". And here's another "With Compliments" they are so wonderful Jimmy. A veritable cornucopia of wit and originality" And as Jimmy's room begins to overflow with compliments slips and the nurse can't get to him to give him his life saving injection at least he'll die in the knowledge that he had millions of bits of paper bearing those magical words "With compliments".



But I got thinking. Hadn't I had a similar chain letter before about some other poor little sick nine year old collecting compliments slips in a bid to get into the Guinness Book of World Records? Yes I remember it well. Let's call him Freddy Jones. I mustn't "BREAK THE CHAIN" but I am confronted by a dilemma. What if the poor little Freddy Jones reached his goal and got the record. His proud parents must have fond memories of Freddy and his record breaking achievement. His gravestone probably bears some reference to his world record. Now if I send Jimmy Smith a compliments slip will I be taking away poor Freddy's title? Or what if poor Jimmy doesn't break Freddy's record and his mum and dad are left with only memories of Jimmy as an abject failure. So I did a terrible thing and put the chain letter in the bin. I dread to think but when Jimmy dies his epitaph may well read "Here Lies Jimmy. He would have been in the Guinness book of records if Instanta hadn't BROKEN THE CHAIN"



BLOG MODERATOR'S COMMENT: We regret to advise that we have been notified of this blogger's sad demise.

Footnote. There once was a genuine chain letter asking for cards for a Craig Shergold of Surrey. Craig did get into the book of records for having the most GET WELL cards. This I can understand and Craig did indeed get well as here he is now grown up.And in case you get such a letter, here is a statement from Guinness

Guinness World Records™ does not recognise or verify chain letter world record claims under any circumstances.

Any correspondence alleging Guinness World Records is currently supporting an attempt to break a chain letter world record is false.

Chain letters are no longer recognised by Guinness World Records and no further claims will be accepted (whether they are requesting cards, compliments slips or any other items). People will not have their names published in any Guinness World Records book by participating in a chain letter.

Natural Born Seller?

Whist watching the brilliant new ITV "Apprentice" rip-off "Natural Born Sellers" last night my thoughts immediately turned to Craig Buckley. Craig (above) is currently having a taster of life as a salesman and has joined Nick on the road for a month. I don't think I can ever see Craig becoming like the characters in the programme who, without exception, speak in riddle-like jargon "I wear my balls on my chest and they are bigger than theirs" and aspire to be top dog for which they get to drive a "top of the range Lexus" for a week (I assume that none of them have seen Alan Partrdige and don't realise that the producers are taking the piss). Perhaps if there are joint winners next week they will be told that they will be driving Lexi. Oh well, if you meet Craig on his travels, please make him welcome and give him an order.

My next door neighbour Vincent left me an envelope full of bits for the blog the other day. Although most are a bit too long for the blog they all made me chuckle. I particularly liked the automated switchboard for a Psychiatrist.

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Clinic

"If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly"

"If you are co-dependant please ask somebody to press 2"

"If you have multiple personalities please press 3,4,5 & 6"

"If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call"

"If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nobody will answer."

And so on. Thanks Vincent, the cheques in the post.



I know that I sound a bit of a telly addict (which I suppose I am) but please do watch "Beautiful People" (above) BBC2 Thursdays. It really is a joy.

No Liverpool this weekend. I don't really think it will be worth watching England v Kazakhstan although it may be worthwhile just to see how many Borat references the commentators and Gary Lineker get in "that suit is NOT black" and it might be a laugh if Mark Lawrenson does his half time analysis in his mankini.





As you can see, it's a hive of activity in the office at the moment with the girls working flat out. I sometimes wonder how they cope with the pressure. In fairness they have worked really hard this week. We have sold nearly 200 boilers this week which is not bad for a recession and if we carry on at this rate we could top 10,000 in a year. That's a lot of boilers.

Nobody has won the competition yet. Keep trying. Here is an extra clue.Aug Bdlkgz. Ey E zudkox yroo yqdi lqrvg teau Ldx.