So Long Lauren

Today we say goodbye to Lauren Oldfield who is leaving us after four years in the Instanta office. For the last few years she has had the thankless task of credit control which she has carried out conscientiously and with a grim determination. Our bad debts have been virtually non-existent which pays testimony to her devotion to the job in hand. Lauren has been a regular on our blog in 2008 and 2009.Here are some of her highlights.

Decorating our boardroom during a quiet spell on credit control.


Sorting out the Christmas decorations.


Our own poster girl.


Searching for undated 20ps from the pool table.

We are sure that all our regular customers will join us in wishing her all the very best for her future and for her new career.



I was saddened to hear of the death of Sir Bobby Robson. He was perhaps the last true gentleman of British soccer and was the last good English England manager of any note. R.I.P Sir Bobby

Son Paul is marrying his American fiancee Josephine in February. Having just seen this entrance by the guests at an American wedding, I am hoping that this is not expected of me and Marion.

Brüno? No No

I said yesterday that we would either love or hate "Brüno" when we made our regular Orange Wednesday visit to the movies last night. In honesty we were closer to hate than love but it was it not quite all out hate as there were one or two genuinely funny moments. I particularly liked the confusion between Hummus and Hamas as Brüno attempted to solve the Middle East crisis but as for the rest I felt that Sacha Baron Cohen was lucky to get out of some of his confrontations alive and picked on targets that were too easy this time.




Big changes are afoot here at Instanta as Craig prepares for his sales training. We have arranged for Andy Bounds the motivational trainer who impressed so much at the recent CESA conference to organise some training for Craig and this is scheduled for early September after which we are letting him loose on the customers for three months. Fortunately for Craig, he has the fall back of returning to the office (from which many readers will know him well)if his three months on the road don't work out. In the month between now and Craig's adventure we need to train someone to carry out his duties as his stand-in Lauren, our super credit controller, has decided to seek pastures new after four years of successfully chasing our customers for money and will be leaving us next week (more about Lauren tomorrow).



With just a day and a half left of the month, our sales are good and we should at least match last July. We've then got one month to go to the end of our financial year and we hope that we will have turned in a decent profit. I've been standing in for Max this week and taking service calls. I am pleased that there have only been a few calls so that area of the business is on target too. I really hate warranty calls as I don't want any of our equipment to fail but I am pleased to report that any faults that have arisen over the last twelve months have been fully investigated and steps have been taken to avoid recurrence.



One thing that comes with the end of the financial year is our annual pay round. Last October we gave a 4% rise which was pretty fair in recession and level with the RPI. This year ,if we use the RPI again, we should be looking at a pay reduction of 1.6%. Sorry lads. Fairs fair.

What about potty mouthed David Cameron on his Absolute Radio interview? He said "Policticans do have to think about what we say" and then seconds later went on to say something that must have had the blue rinse Torygraph and Daily Mail readers spluttering into their breakfasts.

A Filip For Rafa

I mentioned the other day that I had heard about a new Instanta baby boy and here he is Filip Kolasinski. Filip was born on 21st July and weighed in at a healthy 3 kilos. Congratulations to proud dad assembly worker Rafa Kolasinski and mum Beate. He's a beautiful baby.




Orange Wednesday tonight so we have finally decided to go and see Bruno. I think we'll either love it or hate it with little chance of anything in between.



We've got the new bank area manager coming to see us this afternoon. We'll have to see what he has to say about the wonderful interest rate collar that's currently costing us about £3,000 per month. I doubt that there's any way out of it though.



I did the company figures yesterday and they look OK. I also got the industry figures for the first two quarters of 2009 yesterday and we are certainly ahead of the field in terms of sales growth. Our growth is shown at -1.0% whilst the industry average is a much higher negative.

Here's a taster of what we are letting ourselves in for tonight.

Hot Pants Nick

After the shock of the near £2,000 electricity bill at home a week or so back, the new Owl Wireless Energy Monitor arrived from Amazon (amazing service it came in under 24 hours). It's really easy to use and Marion and I are now used to sitting in the dark and eating salads having discovered that the lights and the oven are the most expensive appliances to run. Mind you in the week since we set it up we have only used £10 worth of fuel. We have a horrible feeling that the super under floor heating that we installed in the new conservatory extension eighteen months ago is the culprit but it's not in use at the moment. Fortunately the outside lights, which make the garden look so good, are only costing 5p an hour. Not very green though so we'll cut them out in the winter. The bill did prompt us to look for the best supplier and it looks like we can save over £40 per month with E-on even if we don't cut back on usage.


Here's another device that's a big help - my wonderful SHARP ELSIMATE EL-361H solar powered calculator. I've been using this to help with accounts for absolutely years. It must be well over ten years old and it's still going strong- well done SHARP for producing such a reliable gadget.



It's a sad day today when I have finally taken the decision to hang up my boots and call it a day on the football front. I've enjoyed our five a side sessions so much over the last ten years but life now seems to be one injury after another and the groin strain that I suffered in April is still niggling three months later. I may go down and offer my services as a ref now and then but my playing days are over and I have to hang up my boots and shorts.



Which leads me to today's headline. Here's Sales Director Nick proudly modelling his new swimming shorts. You'll notice a burn in a very delicate position. Nick decided to strim his lawn with a new petrol driven strimmer. Having only used an electric strimmer in the past Nick was unfamiliar with the heat created by the motor and was holding the machine with the exhaust pointing directly at his groin. Fortunately he was alerted by a tingling sensation and dropped the strimmer before it caused him irreparable damage. It's a good job those shorts weren't nylon.

I'll leave you with a dedication for Nick

Boys Boys Boys

Here is proud mum Lisa,our store man Tony Lowe's daughter,with little Connor who was born on 30th June. Connor is Tony's second grandchild after Granddaughter Lexie who is now three. After all the Instanta girls reported on the blog it is nice to be able to report a boy at last and rumour has it that whilst Marion and I were off on holiday Assembly Worker Rafa's wife gave birth to another little boy.I'm sure Rafa will fill me in on the details when he's back. Perhaps the tide has turned at last and my worries about the imbalance of the sexes was premature.



Back at work today and we are delighted that once again we have returned to no major upsets a reasonable bank balance,a healthy order book and warranty calls below target. Mind you there is an appointment with the bank manager in the diary for Wednesday. What's that about? Seems she simply wants to introduce a new regional director. Phew.



The Toyota garage phoned to say that the new Prius is available for a test drive so we are going to have a look at it tomorrow. Now that I've resigned myself to life without the Mercedes I'm quite keen on doing my bit for the ecology and will be trying to see if I can match those fuel fugitive people who managed 126mpg.

Artist Cobi Sanders has kindly agreed to me using a beautiful watercolour that we bought from her whilst on the island of Symi for the cover of my novel. Cobi lives on the island of Symi and my novel is about an island based on it. She is a fantastic artist and you can check out her work HERE No I haven't found a publisher but I am going to print half a dozen copies for family and friends at the espresso book machine in Blackwells in London. I've written 52,000 words but I'm pretty sure that's too short to get published. I've emailed a few copies to family but nobody apart from Marion has struggled through it yet so I'll have to be realistic and not fool myself that it's a book people won't be able to put down.

I'll leave today with a song specially chosen for one of my regular readers. I'm not saying who but I'm sure they'll guess!

There'll Be Bue Skies Over

It's a sure sign that the holiday ended yesterday when we get the first completely cloudless sky for two weeks today. Yep, for the first time since, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, we left Instanta on Friday 10th July, I have been able to sit in the garden and write the blog using that wonderful BT Broadband that the lad who used to be in "My Family" is always advertising. And yes it does work right a the end of the garden Can't get a signal in the garage though. As I write there is no sign of that worrying bee shortage. The lavender is absolutely full of them so maybe the planet will survive a little longer. They had better make honey while the sun shines as the forecast is lousy again for tomorrow.




If, like me, you've seen these teaser ads in all the papers recently, you'll be pleased to know that all has finally been revealed and it seems that John and Helen Taylor managed to drive 3700 miles around Britain at an average fuel consumption of 126.82 mpg. It seems that the couple (who set a new Guinness world record) are specialists in the field of fuel economy training. The rules for the record stipulated that the car must be completely unmodified from a standard production vehicle, and that it must complete the journey in no more than 180 hours with all speed limits adhered to. The record was achieved in 175 hours with the Taylors sharing the driving duties with stints lasting as long as 21 hours per day!I wonder what car they did it in? Perhaps I should add it to the list when looking for our new car.



I emailed Jenny yesterday to see if any nasty surprises might be in store for us when we get back but she tells me that we sold a few hundred boilers whilst we were off and the bank balance is over £110,000 inside the overdraft limit so we'll enjoy a glass of wine in the sunshine before returning to the grindstone.



But they will be the last glasses of wine for a month. Marion and I are both struggling with our weight. The groin strain has kept me away from the gym for three months and Marion has been keeping me company so, as we have read that a few glasses of wine can add 4kilos per week, we are cutting out in the hope that we will therefore lose 4kilos per week. I'll let you know if it works. Expect shares in Tesco to collapse.Maybe we'll be launching the simplest diet ever in a month's time.

At least I can still listen to my favourite group singing about it.

Gerrard Innocent

It's great to see an impartial Liverpool jury acquitting Stevie G this morning. Here are the jurors posing for a group photo before returning to their normal lives.




Off to finish my holiday now. Back at Instanta on Monday.

Holiday Fun

We enjoyed our 11.30am Orange Wednesday visit yesterday. Ice Age 3 3D was a very funny break from the thrills of our stay at home holiday and, as it was pouring with rain, a good use of a couple of hours. The 3D is so good in these recent movies that it can't be long before it starts to be the norm. I am looking forward to when it becomes available on TV. As expected we were the only customers without kids but there were plenty of adults laughing and it was great to hear the children's' chuckles.



We planned a visit to Tatton Park's RHS Flower Show today but the weather forecast is awful and as the admission is £22 each it will be a real waste of money if we end up tramping around in the mud and rain. We'll see what happens with the weather tomorrow. Oh well there's plenty of housework to do. At this rate we'll be looking forward to going back to work.



It's early days but the Naproxen are working without side effects. Maybe, just maybe, I'll see an end to the groin strain agony very soon.



Those CCTV photos of Steve Gerrard don't really tell us much do they? They were all over the TV at the same time as the moon landing films and the quality is about the same. It wouldn't surprise me if the jury finds Neal Armstrong guilty. Mind you I bet Stevie G is sweating a bit. He's probably relying on the Ken Dodd defence - popular local celebrity found not guilty in home town despite overwhelming evidence against him. Only problem is there are two teams in Liverpool and what are the odds on it being 12 just men and blue.



I once asked why it is that hairdressers always have to chose a punning name for their salons. Things haven't changed and last night on Five's Build A New Life In The Country, two guys from Leeds moved to the Outer Hebrides. They opened a hairdressing salon. The salon name? You guessed. "Hairbridean"

I'll leave you with the government's latest anti-knife film. See if you can avoid murdering anyone. I managed to get myself banged up for twenty years.

Another Day Another Prescription

Having recovered from the near death experience that was Diclomax I went back to the doctor yesterday as the groin strain without the painkillers and anti-inflammatories was really getting me down. So, on the principle that if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, again the doctor has now prescribed Naproxen. That's another £7.20! Let's hope I use more than the 42p worth of the Diclomax that I managed before being incapacitated with that awful stomach and terrible back pain. Mind you if I ever seek revenge on anyone I've got over 70 extra strong Diclomax that could be put to good use.




Thanks once again to ace Southport photographer Peter Raymond for sending me this photo of the latest atheist bus advert. Very topical, very witty and very true. Thank you Peter.



As I phone my mum she soon points out that I was wrong to say that we were looking for a venue to celebrate Marion's mum Flo's 83rd birthday yesterday. It will, of course, be her 84th. I don't know, they just all seem to blur together. Apologies to my mum. Yes we all know you are younger than Flo (above).



Which reminds me of my latest trip to the doctors (good job I'm on holiday the boss would never give me all this time off).Although I am going for a groin strain, my blood pressure is being checked regularly and I am pleased to say it's really good.The doctor asked if high blood pressure ran in the family and when I said "yes" he asked if it was on my mother's or my father's side. "Neither" I said "It's from my wife's family" "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" he asked.'Have you met Flo?" I asked. (thanks to www.basicjokes.com)



Orange Wednesday today so we are off to Ice Age 3D. Being on holiday we can get to the 11.20 am showing. No doubt we will be the only fifty somethings not accompanied by popcorn munching, coke slurping kids but hey, it's a free world and what else is there to do on a wet Wednesday in Southport. We still haven't seen Bruno. After reading Barbara Ellen's destruction of the film in Sunday's Observer we're not too sure about bothering with it. I really respect her judgment. I also respect that other brilliant writer from the Guardian/Observer stable, Charlie Brooker but wasn't Charlie going a bit far with his rant about Nicky Campbell on "You Have Been Watching"last week? Sadly I can't find it on YouTube so I'll leave you with another taste of Brooker that should give you an idea.Warning. Do not watch if bad language offends.

Diclomax The Wonder Drug - Not

On Friday evening I was praising the wonders of Diclomax to our friends who joined us for our anniversary dinner. As the groin strain is now into its fourth month and seemed to be getting no better I made another trip to the doctor on Thursday and she prescribed Diclomax. After just two pills on Friday I was like a new man with all the pain gone. But my salvation was short lived and on Saturday I went down with the most terrible stomach upset. I initially put it down to overindulgence on Friday but when it worsened on Sunday I realised that there might be another cause. Sure enough stomach problems are listed in the side effects but oh boy were these bad. I felt as if I had been kicked in the kidneys with a hobnail boot and my whole torso ached so much that I felt that I was on my last legs. I stopped the pills and hey presto the stomach is back to normal and the back pains are on the wane. Only problem now is the groin strain playing up again. Catch 22 really.





We are into the second week of our stay in Britain holiday and yesterday we walked into Southport to check out a venue for Marion's mum's 83rd Birthday. The new Ramada complex on the waterfront was very pleasant and we think we'll settle on afternoon tea there for her and a few friends. The weather was good for once and we found time to sit in the garden when we got back but it's not looking good for the rest of the week.



It'll be another thirty years before Marion's mum reaches the milestone reached by Henry Allingham who sadly passed away on Saturday. Son Paul was once in a TV crew who interviewed Henry and Paul told us that everyone was completely charmed by his outlook on life. Mind you if Flo does make it another thirty years, will me and Marion still be around to sort the celebration out?



One celebration that we are really looking forward to is Paul's wedding to fiancee Josephine. It seems that they have found a great venue. They may have to change the date from 13th Feb to 6th Feb but that's not a big problem and no doubt there's going to be lots of organising going on for the next six months. We hope it all goes perfectly for them. They both deserve it.

I'll leave you with the Gummy Bear Song. This video had been viewed 48 million times. Yes 48 MILLION. Why? Answers on a postcard please.

First Trophy Of The Season For The Reds

Switching on the TV at 7pm last night I was amazed to see Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina winning the British Open Golf at Turnberry. If you don't believe me here is his photo. And below is a photo of our new keeper American Stewart Cink who let one goal in as the reds went down 1-0 to Rapid Vienna in a pre-season friendly.




Don't think I was watching the TV for the golf, I switched on for "Priceless Antiques Roadshow" and thought I was watching it as Tom Watson strode onto the screen. Sadly that particular priceless antique failed in his quest for the silver claret jug and my programme was cancelled.



I've had the first review of my novel which is set in a Greek island a bit like this one. Marion tells me that she liked the story but didn't like my preaching style in parts so I spent yesterday attempting to remove myself completely from the manuscript. I got up to Chapter 19. Once I've got through the sanctimony I've been told to add more description so there's quite a lot of work to do yet. I emailed it to a friend who said that reading it made her sick but she was on a train at the time and assures me it was motion sickness.



We had a great time celebrating our wedding anniversary on Friday evening. Our old friends brought us this lovely Swarovski crystal oyster and pearl to commemorate our Pearl Anniversary. Only problem was that we had our Pearl Anniversary three years ago. "never mind" said our friends. 'We didn't get you anything for your pearl anniversary just think of it as a bit late".



I enjoyed listening to my favourite David Mitchell's Desert Island Discs yesterday. It's good to hear someone choosing their eight records without pretension and with genuine reasons for each choice. Some of the music was even amongst my favourites including this one from the Crash test Dummies.

To Sleep Perchance To Dream

Before leaving Dundee's Holiday Inn Express this morning I spent the last half hour while Marion was getting ready, imagining all the different ways that I could turn this seagull into a dead seagull.Shooting would have been too good for it and I favoured boiling it slowly in oil.Mind you I suppose it would have been unfair to single this one out from his twenty-nine pals who once again managed to squawk all bloody night. When the receptionist asked if we had enjoyed the stay I politely pointed out the seagull problem and it was clear that he was more than familiar with it. With the busiest road in Scotland at the front and the dreaded seabirds at the back, this has to be a hotel for insomniacs only.So tonight we are looking forward to a long sleep in our own bed.



It's our thirty-third wedding anniversary tomorrow and we are having some old friends around for a celebratory dinner. We bought all the food at the motorway services on the way back and no it isn't all Burger King and KFC. We went to the Farm Shop at Tebay and the variety of meat, vegetables and cheeses available there is quite amazing. I just looked at the bill though and, at £8.49, the luxury crackers to go with the cheese better be extremely good. Was that a mistake? It's a bit far to go back 80 miles to query it.If you are travelling up (or down) the M6 and passing Tebay, do check it out, it's a lot better than your average service station and your bound to get a good hot drink as I spotted one of our 1500 boilers in the cafe.



Instead of getting that free range and organic produce from Tebay services we could have gone to another service station and then logged onto the website fancy fast food.com. This site is specialising in recipes for converting your regular fast food into a fine dining experience.The above chicken chowder was converted from a KFC meal and looks a lot more appetising.Not sure if it will catch on though.



Holidaying in Britain this year has meant a lot more rain than usual but it hasn't really bothered us much in our first week. Let's hope that we get a bit more sunshine next week though as we want to get some gardening done.



We're going to have to get one of these monitors tomorrow. When we got back from Scotland there was an electricity bill that says that we have used £1878.97 worth of electricity in six months. The meter reading is right but I just can't see how two of us can possibly have got through that. That's £320 per month. It's not as if we can have an electricity leak. Has someone wired up the neighbours to our supply? It's always been quite steep but this seems outrageously so.

One of the benefits of holidaying in Britain is daytime TV. Where else could you see such high drama as this?