The Hidden Cost Of Dieting

Well, I'm happy to say it's all over- the diet that is. In the twenty weeks of dieting I have lost 2st 10lbs and almost six inches off my waist. But, as you can see above, the diet has its downside and nothing fits me anymore. And strangely enough I never considered myself to be really fat just a little overweight. So yesterday morning I emptied the wardrobe and tried on all the trousers.

And ended up with this lot in the charity shop pile. Then I thought that I had better check out the shirts and jumpers.

I can only say that it's a good job that I won't be needing any suits following retirement in a few weeks time or I would have to pile the weight back on or risk financial penury. Nobody mentions this aspect of dieting when they sell you the idea. Even shopping at Debenhams or M&S where trousers and shirts average around forty or fifty quid there would be well over £1,000 replacement value in this pile and, as a lot of them were from Hugo Boss and Farhi, if I returned to those shops you could double that figure. If you happen to be a "slightly overweight" fifty something bloke pop into Oxfam Southport and grab yourself a bargain - some of these (bought haf way through the diet) have only been worn a couple of times

Here at Instanta the Safan engineer is busy installing the new press brake that arrived on Friday in time for the lads to start learning how to use it tomorrow.It seems that once they have programmed it properly it will do the job perfectly every time. No change there then. Just like we did with the old manual one eh lads?

I am indebted to the Guardian Guide on Saturday for drawing my attention to this great ad from Thinkbox TV. It advertises the power of TV advertising and does so quite brilliantly in my opinion.





And to prove Thinkbox's point, here's the latest IKEA ad that I saw during X Factor on Saturday night. Excellent. Much better than 100 cats.Oh and by the way, some people say these videos don't show properly in this blog layout. If they don't fit, double click and they will open in a new window.





But I think that this one, which took up a massive two minutes during another X Factor break fails to hit the mark. I love Yeo Valley yogurts but rapping farmers?

Say It Ain't So Joe

I woke up this morning to the news that the team that I have been supported since I was a boy is being sold to the owners of the Boston Red Sox. I am not one of the histerical "Yanks Out" brigade, I love the USA and one of my favourite relatives is American but after the debacle that has turned a once great football club into a laughing stock, more American interest will be as welcome as Sir Alex Ferguson on the Kop. Having watched "The Town" recently I can see some connections in twinning Liverpool with Boston - it's difficult to understand what people are saying and there's a fair bit of gang warfare going on - but if the present owners had wanted to depart with some miniscule level of respect from the fans, another US connection is hardly the way to go about things. Judging from the boardroom battles going on at present it is perhaps unlikely that Hicks and Gillette will get their way on the sale but will someone who has the final say on it please veto this madness? I grew up with the club being owned and run by the parochial and philanthropic Moores family and it had the air of a family club for decades.The heart was torn out when the Moores' heir sold the business and I can't ever see it coming back. Today's a sad day.

Thursday 7 Oct. NB SInce first writing this yesterday I have read more and understand that the prospective purchaser is not Hicks and Gillett's choice and that they will lose a fortune if the sale goes through. It doesn't change my sentiments though. There's no chance of us ever getting our club back and this is my last season as a fan. Another sad day.

At last, a photo of the newest Instanta baby, Alfie. Andy Fyles and his partner Claire came into the office with the latest addition to the family and he slept like a er baby? throughout the visit. He was exactly six pounds when he was born and Andy tells me that Alfie's big sister Bethany has taken ownership of her new brother.

I said on here a couple of weeks ago that I was fast approaching the target weight in the diet and I would write about it when I did so. Well, I hit the target of 12st 3lbs on Saturday and was going to write a long glowing endorsement of tescodiets.com. Having lost 35lbs (that's almost six Alfies at birth) I was delighted but then I logged onto the site the following day and found that the goalposts had been moved and my target weight was now 11st 13lbs. That's a bit scary as even my new clothes are starting to feel loose so I think I will give the new target a miss and try and stay at on or around 12st 2lbs. I can't really knock Tesco's online diet though. It's not too expensive (about £79 for six moths but there are discounts available) and if you stick to the menus it works. I've eaten (and really enjoyed) better breakfasts and lunches than I have ever eaten and enough organic chicken to empty a battery farm and enough fruit to clear Covent Garden. The only real drawback is that the evening meals are pretty small and my alcohol intake has gone from three or four bottles of wine a week to one or less. Tonight we're off to a chain restaurant near the cinema to celebrate - we'll probably be back to square one after that.

There are less than eight weeks to go now before Marion and I retire and this afternoon I have the daunting task of trying to explain to two very competent but untrained people here at Instanta how to do the monthly management accounts. Everything else in the business has been delegated and the transition has gone smoothly but this is an area that you can't really pick up in an afternoon and I think that we may have to look at getting in outside or parental company help. I know that Craig and Dave will have a real stab at it but it's not going to be easy for them.

When we retire we'll have plenty of time to catch up on all those TV series like "Mad Men", the last series of "The Sopranos" and "The Wire" that we missed. We'll also be able to watch some kids' TV which, judging from this, will be well worth watching.

Welcome Back Jenny

We've missed Jenny Buckley here in the office as she has been off sick for a couple of weeks but normal service was resumed today as she felt well enough to make a return.It's been an eventful couple of weeks and Jenny missed our weeks without broadband and the disaster when our computer server went bang. Fortunately Tony Lowe and the spares team made a huge effort to keep her work up to date for her whilst she was away and I am sure that she will find everything in apple pie order. Welcome back Jenny we are all glad to see you.

We've decided on something of a marathon for our regular Orange Wednesday cinema trip. We've wanted to see "Winter's Bone" since it was released but it's one of those non-blockbuster offerings that tend not to find their way into the multiplex cinemas such as our local - Vue. However, Vue has decided to give this one an airing - hooray. When? 10.30pm boo.

I don't really feel like going out at 10.30pm so we've decided to go and see "Buried" at 7pm and then pop out for a bite to eat and come back at 10.30pm. Hopefully we'll be able to keep awake and I hope that the films are as good as they've been billed. The film industry is weird. Nothing worth watching for months and then loads in the same week. I suppose it makes sense as there's no point in releasing your best offerings in the quiet of summer.

I wasn't alone in falling for the X Factor hype and blogging about the injustice done to Gamu. The blogosphere,Twitter and Digital Spy went into meltdown but I suspect that there's going to be a twist in the tail and I've already read reports of "Wild Card" entries being introduced which might explain the anomalies in the live finals line up. And with such a blatantly wrong choice the producers have gained the maximum possible publicity.

I am enoying being on Twitter even if I do have no followers. Some of the celebrities I follow were complaining the other day that their follower numbers had dropped to zero - I thought that was normal. One of the most active Tweeters is Lord Sugar ( @Lord_Sugar ). At the moment he's conducting a survey on the most hated newspaper and feels that he will get a realistic response. But as a statistician I have to differ as, instead of being the view of a cross section of the nation, it will be a cross section of people who use Twitter and follow one of three (Sugar, Jamie Oliver and Jonathan Ross) of the thousands of celebrities on the site. As one of only two who use Twitter at Instanta as far as I am aware, my response is bound to be unrepresentative and to prove it I just asked everyone in the office for their choice and none was the same as mine and three chose the same paper.


And here's one of the benefits of Twitter. How else would I have found this if @IndiaKnight had not mentioned it.

The Customer Is Always Right

We’ve always accepted that age old cliché here at Instanta but an incident this week has left me questioning its truth. A few days ago a customer phoned up to place an order. We quoted a price to him upon which he blew a fuse and said that the price was not the one that he had on his price list. We courteously told him that we had sent him a new price list in July and that he was on our mailing list and should have received it. Instead of calmly saying that he had not received it (in which case we might have come to a fair agreement and perhaps split the difference with him or even honoured the old price), he continued with such a tirade of abuse that our (totally innocent) employee on the receiving end was visibly shaken. There’s no place in business (or in any other part of life) for bullying, especially when the victim is relatively junior, has no say whatsoever in our pricing policies and is a totally innocent party. So, is the customer always right? Certainly not in this case and I would like to suggest a saying for him to take on board in future. “Do as you would be done by”.

I trudged up to Anfield last night to witness another nail being hammered into the coffin of the football club that I have followed since I was twelve. I know it was only the Carling Cup and Liverpool put out an under strength side but they were playing what equates to fourth division opposition and at least six of the team have plenty of Premier League experience .It was an opportunity to show the depth of the squad. The depth was shown to be severely lacking and it soon became clear that Pacheco (much heralded as one for the future) will soon be one for the past and Jovanovic demonstrated that if you pay peanuts you get monkeys (if you call a few million quid peanuts). You can’t blame every Liverpool player for the debacle. Captain for the night Kyrgiakos gave his all in a swashbuckling attempt to salvage something from the game and inspired the team to a late extra time equaliser and I felt sorry for Wilson the new signing from Rangers who demonstrated a fine passing touch that has been severely lacking but at the end of the day the once Mighty Reds were pretty well outclassed and we had to endure a huge crowd of Northampton fans singing “Can we play you every week?” and then walk back to the car in monsoon conditions. We play Blackpool in about ten days. I’m feeling nervous about the headlines already.

Going to Anfield meant that I sacrificed the opportunity to watch the groundbreaking new reality TV show Seven Days and I even forgot to record it. As far as I can tell, this is an original concept (although Paul will no doubt tell me that it’s been done somewhere else – nothing TV related escapes his attention).It certainly raised plenty of comments on Twitter #SevenDays so it must have had a sizeable audience. It seems that Joe Public can offer advice to the real participants in the show, via the show’s website, on how to handle their problems although I doubt that the difficulties encountered by inhabitants of Notting Hill will provide as much interest as those facing sink estate dwellers in Glasgow. “Just doing the Ocado order online Jemima. Ciabatta or Focaccia?”

Still no Broadband service here at Instanta. I’m starting to feel like a donkey with a carrot dangling on a stick before me as our providers keep telling me it will be back on today. At least today they are saying “today” whereas on every other day they have been saying “tomorrow”. So will today be the day? Today they acknowledged my request for a MAC. Seems that they have a legal obligation to provide one within five days but I requested it over eight days ago. But did I get an acknowledgement of my request they ask? I think that their email says that I did but they interpret it differently. Do I want to get lawyers involved? Always a difficult decision when that carrot appears to be so close.Until then no photos and no YouTube on this blog.

Belated Birthday Wishes Mr Aitch

It may look like I forgot about metal worker Dave Horrock's thirty fourth birthday yesterday but Dave will assure you that I didn't. Sadly our broadband provider, who on Wednesday became a broadband non-provider, failed to get the service up and running again for the whole of Thursday and, I am worried that it will be same again today (I am writing this at home). It's a bit frightening how dependent things now are on the internet. All our consignments are arranged on the web and many of our invoices are sent by email and orders received in the same way. We have done our best to tell customers about the situation (by fax phone and, of course, this blog) but there are bound to be some important emails floating around in cyber space. Anyway, as I write this (Thursday night) Dave should be celebrating with a well earned pizza. Dave has been with Instanta since shortly after leaving school as a sixteen year old and has been a stalwart of our metalwork department for many years now. A devoted dad, to Jack and Cameron, Dave enjoys a flutter on the football and the horses and,like me, has a tendency to keep being let down by favourites (when will we learn eh Dave?). Dave is a keen Everton fan and I hope that his team do well this weekend when they entertain Manchester United and the Rooney circus.I hope you enjoyed your birthday and that pizza Dave and I wish you all the very best for your future with Instanta.



Hats off to Debenhams who had a sale on yesterday. We are going away for the weekend and now that the diet is almost at an end, I have very little to wear that fits. So we went after work and I managed to kit myself out with two pairs of trousers, two jumpers and a shirt for less than the cost of one jumper that I looked at in a shop down the road and less than one night in the pub we are staying in. And no I don't look like Worzel Gummidge. Ever since Gok's being doing that programme where he dresses models in high street stuff and an American woman fits others out in designer labels costing ten times as much I've realised that the only benefits of designer clothes are being able to show off how much you have spent and not wearing the same as everyone else. I still think that there's nothing to beat a top quality jacket but jumpers and shirts are just jumpers and shirts and I looked pretty much the same in Debenhams cheap cashmere as I did in Paul Smith's expensive wool.



We're getting excited about a trip to Teddington studios next week to see the recording of two shows for the new series of son Paul's show "A League Of Their Own".Of the last series,Duncan Gray, Head of Entertainment at Sky, said "From the moment it aired," A League of Their Own" was an instant hit with our viewers and we can't wait to have all new episodes to play this Autumn. "A League of Their Own" first teamers James Corden, Jamie Redknapp, John Bishop and Georgie Thompson will be joined by big new signings from the world of comedy, celebrity and sport as they set out to sweep all before them in the new season." We'll be seeing some big names in the recordings and plenty of laughs are guaranteed.

The consultant told me on Wednesday that I won't be able to fly for four months after the hip replacement. No worries, we can always take a cruise. Or on second thoughts, maybe not.




He also told me about the potential problems involved in hip replacement surgery. Obviously I had to do some investigation into these and found this unsettling video. What gets me is the poor bloke's daughter's reaction. We dad's are so funny aren't we.

Apocalypse Now

Imagine a world without Broadband. That’s what we have had at Instanta today. So how come there’s this blog you might ask. Quite simple, my home Broadband is still working. But at Instanta (whose lack of connection appears to be a BT problem) the internet disappeared at about 11.15 and did not return. Considering that ten or so years ago it did not exist, it is amazing how much the business world has become reliant upon it. So what will be the result? No doubt tomorrow (if it’s back up and running) we will receive urgent emails that asked for overnight delivery of boilers and perhaps a service breakdown that needed urgent attention, which will be bad for our customers but completely beyond our control. Our bosses in Australia could be wondering where our daily reports are but enterprising Craig has given me the reports to send from home as well. So how could our customers have insured themselves against this inconvenience? By asking for email “read receipts” and, in their absence, phoning us up. I noticed one of the people I follow on Twitter having a dig at those who request “read receipts” but here’s one very good reason that they do. The problems for Instanta have been relatively small but if we were completely reliant upon internet orders it could have been an extremely expensive day.

What has one leg shorter than the other and squeaks? No it’s not a joke. Having gone to the hospital this morning, this was the scenario drawn up by my consultant as he explained to me the possible downside of having a hip replacement operation. It appears that he has to have a bit of a guess when he is sawing my femur and does it by sight. “But don’t worry” he added “if we get the length wrong we can always shorten or lengthen the other one when that needs doing”. As for the squeak, it seems that some hip replacements make a noise like a rusty hinge. Unfortunately I can’t be giving my hip a quick burst of WD40 or a drop of oil and if I am one of those unfortunate enough to be fitted with a squeaker I’ll be like one of those cats with a bell and you’ll hear me coming. These side effects apart, there’s always the chance of heart attack, stroke or infection. Happily the percentage risk of these is low but I suppose that’s what the 2% of people that it happened to said too. Oh well I’m on the waiting list now and I have told them that I can come any time after 30^th November.

A young couple arrived in reception. “We’re from Monster Energy” they said. Although the young man had a T shirt and dreadlocks and his colleague was in torn jeans, Marion thought they were selling power and told them that we were with E-ON. But it seems that they were selling a new energy drink and gave us thirty free samples. I took one look at the calories and caffeine levels and gave them a miss but was happy to let the lads in the factory give them a try during lunchtime and the production line was hyper all afternoon.

You have to hand it to those witty headline writers in the British press. I was in the waiting room for quite some time this morning so amused myself reading the back of everyone else’s newspapers. Are “ROONEY THE PRO” or “ROONEY SHOWS HE’S A PRO” or “A PRO PERFORMANCE FROM ROONEY” a case of great minds thinking alike or, as I thought, pretty sloppy nudge nudge wink wink journalism? The thing that shocked me the most about last weekend’s stories is not that Rooney might have paid for sex (let’s face it he’s not exactly Brad Pitt) but that he shelled out £200 on a packet of fags.

Alexandra Burke's new single is now out. After her great performance on Magic Numbers the other week, there's now a video out. This is how I'll be after the diet and the hip op.... Honest

One Step Beyond Retirement

Marion and I retire on 30th November and the first step we take will be a rush to the car and a drive to Manchester to see Madness perform at the Apollo. Truly a case of One Step Beyond and quite an appropriate one I think. We've always loved them and they have many similarities with that other favourite of ours ,UB40, being a big group with a lot of instrumentalists and ,whilst it's not reggae, another stomping beat. Roll on November.

As we came out of the cinema last night the air was thick with smoke. It was clearly a big fire so we had to go and have a look what the source was. When we saw that local roads were cordoned off, the size of the blaze became apparent and the huge number of blue flashing lights on the Promenade pinpointed the conflagration to the old Kingsway club which, still firmly ablaze, looked to be now just a shell. I read recently that the owners had applied to demolish the building. No need now. That will save them a packet and all that tedious beaurocracy too. It's strange how a number of derelict local buildings have gone up in smoke recently - not that I am pointing any fingers. The Kingsway was famous for being the venue where Ringo made his first ever performance with the Beatles, where my brother used to splash two shillings on roulette and where, as a teenager I once managed to get in but discovered to my disappointment that it was called a "night" club because it was pitch black inside and apart from shirts lit up with UV lights I couldn't see a thing.



The scene last night taken by Jenny's friend.

And the morning after.

As for the film, "The Last Exorcism" was a pretty scary horror movie although it was spoilt for me and Marion by four juvenile morons (older than teenagers) in the row behind who managed to talk (talk might be too generous- grunt might be better) for large chunks of the screening completely oblivious to those around them, rushing out to answer their mobile phones and rocking our whole row by putting their feet on the seats - and no I didn't do anything about it, I just hoped that something as nasty as what was happening on the film befell them on their way home. That nastiness included gruesome mutilation (which would have been just fine by me). A good film but not a great one. It moves with pace. It is filmed in the style of "The Office" as a film crew trails a preacher who was once an exorcist on one final exorcism. He is now coming clean and wants to show that he was just a fake and nobody is ever really possessed - or are they? A great premise and a good story well filmed until the final five minutes. I won't tell you the ending but it takes the themes of more than one famous horror - "Rosemary's Baby", "The Wicker Man" and "The Blair Witch Project" all spring to mind - and mixes them all up into something of a disappointing mess.

Finally I would like to wish our factory leader Tony Mercer all the very best for his birthday today. Tony is Instanta's longest serving employee having been with us for around thirty six years. As usual he is holidaying on his birthday but I hope that he finds five minutes to see what I have written about him. As this is the last time that I will be at Instanta for one of his birthdays I would like to offer Tony my sincere thanks for his support over my past twenty two years here. His time keeping and attendance records have been exemplary - I can't recall him ever being late and he has struggled into work many times when others would be shivering beneath their sheets. He hardly appears in our sickness records going year after year with 100% attendance. He must be doing a good job as our productivity figures sometimes slip when he is on holiday (factory please note) but targets tend to be met when he is not. So enjoy your well earned holiday Tony. Marion and I wish you a very happy birthday and a continuing successful career at Instanta.

I'll close today with a clever promo for "The Last Exorcist" using ChatRoulette.com. Bad language warning.

Like The Proverbial Bus

Life can be odd can't it? One minute Marion and I are bemoaning the fact that we've got nothing on and the next we get a glut of activity all at once. This is happening in the next few days as, after a period of inertia, our free time has suddenly sprung into life. So much so that we are going against the grain and paying for two cinema tickets tonight instead of taking up the usual Orange Wednesday offer. Yes, after a potter around the gym we are off to see "The Last Exorcism". Will let you know what we think tomorrow.

And on Wednesday it's the local hospital for a check on my hip and back again in the afternoon for Marion's mum's annual check after her successful cancer operation five years ago and then Marion's off out to a charity food evening. Then on Friday we're travelling down to near Haye on Wye to celebrate close friends' wedding anniversary. Back late on Sunday and on Monday off to see Stephen Fry's show being beamed live to FACT in Liverpool and on Wednesday off to Teddington to watch the recording of two episodes of Paul's "A League Of Their Own". And then back to normal and staying in watching the telly.



Which is not always a bad thing as ITV1's "U Be Dead" proved last night.One of those fact is stranger than fiction stories, it told the tale of a successful psychiatrist and his fiancee whose lives were ruined by a stalker. From the text message of the title "U Be Dead" I guessed that the stalker would be a west country type like that archaeologist in "Time Team" or Phil in our stores. But she turned out to be a lunatic Argentinian woman who bombarded the couple with sinister and threatening text messages, cancelled their wedding reception and, when the doctor became involved with another woman, took a used condom from the bin and used the contents to frame him for rape almost wrecking his career - you couldn't make it up. A great couple of hours drama from ITV and, although when you Google the show, photos of David Morrissey and Tara Fitzgerald come up, the true star was Monica Dolan who was chillingly convincing as the stalker Maria Marchese. Well done ITV drama.Five stars.



And speaking of convincing performances, we watched "Couscous" at the weekend. Hasfia Herzi (above) plays Rym, retiree Slimane's girlfriend's daughter. The story tells the tale of Slimane trying to realise his pipe dream of opening a boat restaurant on a quayside in a southern French port - a simple premise but one that is wrapped in a multitude of layers. These layers - family,age,immigration, bureaucracy, retirement, love, infidelity and much more unwrap beautifully before us but rarely do you see as powerful a contribution on screen as that of Herzi who manages to instill her character with such feeling that she makes you feel that you know her. A wonderful film.Look out for it on DVD. Here's a taster.

Well That's Next Wednesday Night Sorted Then

At last a film with decent reviews arrives at the local Vue. "The Last Exorcism" is right up Marion's street as she loves nothing more than a bit of horror - she married me! And it was reviewed with no less than four stars in today's Guardian which means that it should be passable at least. So that's Orange Wednesday sorted and, as I am going to see the specialist about my hip on Wednesday morning it will be a chance to get the horrors of the impending operation off my mind.



The Guardian devoted an entire page of the G2 section to sous vide cooking yesterday. The writer expressed surprise at how delicious the food that he cooked in the water bath was, although it was no surprise to us at all having seen the benefits of this method of cooking several years ago and acting upon our taste buds and developing our prize winning SV25 and SV38. Our sous vide water baths were developed in close consultation with leading chefs and are built with all the features that they demanded including our unique internal water agitation system.



With the prospect of a holiday next year after two years without one we have been planning carefully and are thinking of a return to Ile De Re. Looking at the photo you might wonder what the attraction is of a flat featureless French island but we hope to get back on our bikes and Ile De Re is perfect being criss-crossed with miles of purpose made cycle tracks with two or three lovely little towns on pretty harbours and the flatness should be a big help with bedding in the new hip. Only problem was that last time we went the weather was so (uncharacteristically) bad that we christened it Ile De Rain.




A week on Monday Stephen Fry is performing his one man show at the Royal Festival Hall.It is being used as promotion for his autobiography and as an experiment the show is being broadcast live at cinemas around the country so we bought a few tickets to see it at FACT in Liverpool. Problem is we might have something else on that evening so, if anybody out there is interested get in touch. We may still be able to go but we won't know for sure until Wednesday next. As it is almost sold out, we should have no trouble finding someone to take them off us.

Have a good weekend. I was going to embed the brilliantly innovative new YouTube video for Tipp-Ex but it can't be embedded. But you can check it out here. So instead I'll embed the now famous dancing dog. If you haven't already seen it, have a look it's a brilliant dog.

Off to Oz

One of our Operations Director David Wilson's responsibilities is staff training. But now and then the trainer needs to become a trainee and our parent company decided that Dave would benefit from seeing how manufacturing is carried out Australian style and have booked him into a manufacturing course down under in a couple of weeks. It will be a hugely exciting and interesting couple of weeks for Dave and I look forward to hearing what he has learnt when he gets back. With a twenty two hour journey each way lets hope that fellow film fan David has plenty of viewing choices on the way.



I was saddened to see the extent that William Hague had to go to in rebutting the gay affair accusations that had been heaped upon him. To feel that it was necessary to bring his wife's unfortunate string of miscarriages into the open in order to put his point across shows just how much pressure public figures are put under by today's media. My feeling is that, if you were a senior public figure and powerful politician conducting a clandestine gay affair, the last thing that you would do is openly book a twin room in a hotel with your handsome young aide. I am sure that this was simply a case of economics and those responsible should be brought to book if their allegations prove to be untrue. Nick and Craig often share twin rooms when on exhibition duties for Instanta and football teams regularly do the same without any hint of scandal being raised.




This is a photo of me presenting Max and Jenny with their prizes in our Pick The Score competition in May. It is the last photo of me taken before I started on the diet and, as you can see, I had a double chin and was not exactly svelte. I got on the scales on Sunday to see that I am now two stone and two pounds lighter. My waistline has shrunk by almost five inches and none of my clothes fit properly. All of this has resulted in me being constantly asked about my health and being treated in some cases like an invalid. Honestly, I know that my face is a bit thin but my BMI is still only on the borderline of healthy at 25 (down from 29) and the target weight is still a few weeks off. It's going to be expensive then as I will need a lot of new trousers.But thanks for the concern and no I am not ill.



Were you amongst the 5.4 million people who tuned in for Sunday's final ever "Last Of The Summer Wine"? Being a regular fan I, of course, was watching but, however much I loved that longest running sit com - and I often found myself a lone positive voice in a roomful of haters, I could not say that this was its finest hour. In fact, it was dreadful. There were plenty of laughs but only on the canned laughter sound track as, apart from the trouserless police officers, the whole half hour episode failed to raise even the semblance of a smile and I realised that the decision to axe the show was one that should have been taken several series ago. In those days I loved the Sunday evening escape to a land where the sun always shone and the stories did not centre solely around Marina and Howard. I would like to see the BBC bring back "Jam And Jerusalem" as a slightly more edgy replacement.

I'm off for lunch but before I go, here's a brilliant video brought to my attention by The Guardian sports pages. How to overtake when there's not much room.

d to

Time To Reflect

As retirement rushes towards us like a rip tide Marion has been busy tidying up the office and shredding stuff that has been here for donkey's years and is no longer needed (not, of course, as any sort of cover up). From time to time she picks out a little blast from the past such as the letter I wrote to our insurance brokers in 1996 when I had to notify them about one of our driver's convictions. "Mr x had been to a pub and was returning home when he saw a police car behind him in his mirror. He knew that he was over the limit and decided to take the next turn in the hope that they were not following him. Unfortunately the next turn was a one way street and he realised immediately that he had entered at the wrong end and was stopped."

Or the letter in 2010 when I wrote to another motor insurance company who were accusing one of our staff of causing an accident. "How your client is claiming against us when she attempted a U-turn on Lord St and was hit at the rear side (not the back as stated in the letter) is beyond me but it seems that any accident nowadays is sadly seen as a chance to make money. You may note that our driver, who was not at fault, has not suffered from whiplash, which today seems more common than the common cold and much more difficult to diagnose."


Oh well, off the soap box and back down to earth where I find that our turnover for August was up by a considerable percentage on August 2009. I am pleased to see those figures which, in conjunction with the one week factory closure, have left the cupboard a little bare when it comes to boilers on the shelves. However, we did not let any customers down on deliveries last month and ,thanks to Dave Wilson's meticulous planning, I expect the same in future months and that Marion and I will leave Instanta with our legacy of prompt deliveries and excellent customer service running on well into the future.

Wednesdays usually mean only one thing - Orange Wednesday at the local cinema. However, this week, yet again, the films on offer don't really excite. "Scott Pilgrim" got good reviews in the Guardian but most of the other papers gave it a thumbs down and we've already seen "Kick Ass" this year and, much as we like Michael Cera, I think we'll wait for this one to come on Sky.



And speaking of Sky, Marion and I are putting the best part of £90 a month into Murdoch's coffers. I don't like doing this but the service is, unfortunately, the best there is. The sports coverage is second to none and even the normal schedule has some real pearls with the wonderful "Modern Family" and with the purchase of the HBO catalogue this can only get better. And that is without even mentioning "A League Of Their Own" in which we have a family interest. But, however good a channel might be, it is extremely upsetting to note that the Murdoch newspapers turn a blind eye to news that doesn't suit them and this is a worrying and undemocratic trend. Last week Mark Thompson had a go at Murdoch in the McTaggart Lecture at the Edinburgh TV Festival. His words got wide coverage but The Times was strangely silent on the matter although they reported heavily on anything that came up at the festival that cast the BBC in a bad light. This is how censorship starts. You don't want to upset your boss so you only print what you think he would like to read. A very worrying thin end of the wedge and, now that Channel 5 is owned by Desmond, one that could become pretty thick within the next few years.

I'll leave you today with a little video that caught my eye. Now I could start making these when we retire. We have the technology.

Got 15 Minutes To Spare?

Regular visitors to the Instanta blog will know that I usually end with a short video. I find these by trawling through the offerings on the web looking for things that are likely to amuse. I also get an email every Friday from Unruly Media who send me details of the most popular virals. Usually they are either full of Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber but this week's chart was full of surprises and a great range of videos that are crying out be shared. So today, for a change, I am devoting the blog to them. And thank you, Unruly Media, for bringing them to my attention.

In a week when friends lost their lovely dog here is a reminder of how a dog can make itself part of the family.



That dog was watching "Family Guy". Tomorrow we'll be having a look at "X Factor" for the first time this season. Here's a guy who would be a massive hit on that other Simon Cowell hit "Britain's Got Talent". If he was British.



Bank holiday beckons and I hear that the sun's going to come out. Perfect for going to the beach and blowing giant bubbles for the grandchildren - if we had any (Paul and Sarah please note keen prospective grandparents offering grandparenting services - reasonable rates).



Failing that. We could always indulge ourselves this weekend in that other favourite British Pastime - getting absolutely plastered.



Have a wonderful Bank Holiday.

Magicians Do Exist

Although "Magicians Don't Exist" is the underlying message of "The Illusionist",this beautiful little film proves otherwise as Sylvain Chomet has created eighty minutes of pure magic that cannot fail to enchant all who go to see it. Beautifully drawn in pastel shades that capture Edinburgh in the late fifties, this old fashioned animation offers a poignant study of love,loneliness, solitude and loss without being unnecessarily maudlin and still managing to raise more than just a couple of smiles. The story (a screenplay written by Jacques Tati) centres around a once successful French conjurer (Tatichef) who, finding himself threatened by the progress of TV and Rock n' Roll, seeks pastures new in the UK.But even a remote Scottish Island is celebrating the arrival of electricity with a new Juke Box. On the island he meets a young girl who becomes a substitute daughter and accompanies him to his final season in a decaying Edinburgh music hall alongside a motley bunch-a clown, a ventriloquist and some acrobats. The characters are instilled with the innocence and naivety of a lost age and, whilst the recent fabulous Pixar offerings Up and Toy Story 3D left the audience sobbing uncontrollably, Chomet tugs on the heartstrings with more subtlety as we watch their tragedies unfold.I thought that we were going to see a film with subtitles but the film is,in fact, to all extent and purpose silent although it does have a haunting and melodic score. We had to travel to find a cinema showing this but it is certainly a film worth going out of your way to see.



Marion and I are on the final countdown to retirement and are into double figures now with just 97 days to go. We had better start thinking about what we are going to do with ourselves. I think a holiday is long overdue as we have not been away for more than a couple of days since the photo at the top of this blog was taken in July 2008. Marion fancies a cruise although it would have to be one for anti-social people as the thought of sharing my first weeks of retirement with thousands of others is not exactly compelling. I am used to solitude now and am so isolated here in the board room that I have an idea of what it might be like for the Chilean miners - write a blog lads it will keep you sane. I wonder what their bosses are thinking about their pay - "Now are they on normal time,overtime, sick pay or should we sack them for not turning up for work. Is there room to send a couple of picks down that tube to get them doing something worthwhile until Christmas?"



Craig emails me every day with the updated sales league table. It's a very complex spreadsheet (he's a clever lad) and the boxes turn green when we have hit our month's targets for different ranges. First to go green this month was our fabulous new wall mounted value range. These fabulous stainless steel boilers which come in 2,5 and 10 litre capacities are proving a big hit with the customers and offer an economic, stylish and reliable hot drinks solution for those on a budget. Heading towards green are the upmarket wall mounted boilers which have Eco friendly features such as built in seven day timers, thick insulation and half capacity Eco mode for quiet periods.



Olly Murs is performing his new single on the final episode of Magic Numbers which airs on ITV1 and ITV1HD on Saturday evening at 8.45pm. There's an enormous prize fund of £400k up for grabs and it would be a perfect finale if someone out there managed to win it. Sitting here in the board room I can hear the radio in the factory and it seems that the producers of Magic Numbers have an uncanny knack of picking star acts for the show as I keep hearing Alexandra Burke, JLS and Scouting for Girls' (all of whom had guest slots) songs over and over again. As for that Alexandra, I can't get that catchy tune out of my head since "oh here I go drip droppin way down low dah dah da da"

Final question of the day. Why does this never happen to Chris Kamara?

A Magic (Numbers) Weekend

Just back from London where we had a great weekend centered around a visit to the ITV studios on the South Bank to watch the live transmission of Magic Numbers. People must have heard we were coming as the ratings rose to over 3 million which is hundreds of thousands up on last week (nothing to do with some of the 11 million who watched X Factor staying around to watch the show). It was a fun and very entertaining evening as the studio audience arrived an hour before transmission and enjoyed a very funny warm up man and watching the pre recording of a couple of shots to fit in the opening credits. As soon as we got home Marion played the show back and spotted us at least half a dozen times - another five minutes of fame.

One advantage of having Marion as a partner is that there is never any "where should we go?" when you're on a holiday or a weekend away. And this weekend was no exception as she once again planned our timetable meticulously starting with a meal at the excellent Turkish restaurant Kazan, near Victoria station, staying at the City Inn Westminster (ranked 11 out of over 1,000 London hotels on Trip Advisor and well worth the rating), a trip to see Grace Kelly's dresses at the V&A and ending with a glass of champagne at the world's longest champagne bar in St Pancras station (now that's what you call a station!). Thanks for that M. There's never a wasted moment.

The next telly outing will be to the recording of the new series of A League Of Their Own which is being recorded in Teddington studios in September. We are looking forward to it as we went to two episodes of the last series and it was hilarious. I am pretty sure that Sky will have some more top guests for the new season.



The last series made a lot of jokes about John Terry and his alleged dalliance with Vanessa Perroncel. However, the Observer ran a lengthy interview with Ms Perroncel yesterday for which she received no fee. She maintains that she is innocent of being involved in any affair and is so determined and insistent on this point that, instead of cashing in on a very valuable potential kiss and tell, she is suing for libel those who ran the stories about her. You can read the excellent article by Polly Vernon here.

Having got over the disappointment at the Guardian's failure to run the weekly Pick The Score league, I today heard about and joined a new football site. Fantasy f***wit.com is a fantasy league in which one aims to pick a team full of footballing f***wits. Points are scored by players on losing teams and keepers who let in plenty of goals but there is the added bonus of more points for getting into the tabloids with a lurid story such as Crouchy's recent night out in Spain. I've picked Ashley Cole as one of my eleven. He has to be a high scorer in the f***wit stakes. Any ideas for more? I am allowed two transfers a week.

I'll close today with Alexandra Burke's fabulous Magic Numbers performance. Look carefully and you will see Marion bopping away and me er shuffling around.

They're All Goin On A Summer Holiday

Doop doo-doo do do do-do-doo. Yes at 4.45pm today school's out for summer as the factory closes it's door for a week and has a breather as the lads take a well earned break. Some of us - the one's in the office and stores - won't be joining them, as somebody has to answer the phones and send out the hundreds of boilers that will inevitably be ordered next week as this month has already seen a day in which we broke our record for the number of machines ordered in a single day. How many were ordered on that day? That would be telling and we don't want to give away our trade secrets to the competition. So, to all you hard workers in the factory, I hope you have a great break and that the sun shines brightly on you and your families.



Marion and I cant wait to go to the broadcast of Magic Numbers tomorrow night at 9 pm on ITV1 and ITV1HD. Pamela Anderson will be amongst the guests and we may get the chance to meet her in the green room afterwards although I doubt that she will be blogging or tweeting about meeting us! The show is great entertainment and, although it had not been a ratings smash hit the comments on the web have been getting better and better as the show has continued its run. I just spotted these after last week's show on tvguide.co.uk ." XXXcellent This show grows on you. totally love it Kat. " "Superb entertainment great to see new and refreshing talent with a "too tense to watch" end game. Well done ITV dibber". Other guests include Alexandra Burke and Flawless so it should be another great show.



The hall looked like Aunty Wainwright's shop (In "Last Of The Summer Wine" if you aren't a fan) this morning as Marion and I had a big clear out and de-clutter of some antiques that we have not had on display for a while. A very nice bloke from a new auctioneers came to collect it all and it will be going for sale at the Southport Theatre And Convention Centre on 2nd October. They plan to have 400 top quality lots and have already sourced two thirds of those. I hope it is a big success as we have placed very low reserves on the items. Go and have a look if you are in Southport in October. Viewing starts Friday 1 October.



Although we are not going on holiday Marion and I are having the afternoon off to travel down to London. Tomorrow we plan to go to Portobello Antiques market. So we can clutter everywhere back up again.

I loved another of Chegger's tweets yesterday. "First sign of madness? Suggs walking up your drive" pure gold.

I'll close today with a little film for everyone in the factory.