In Praise Of Emailed Jokes, Football And Telly

Those unemployment figures out yesterday were bloody awful weren't they. I know that the government has given them the usual spin and emphasised that the rate of increase is slowing down but 20% youth unemployment? That's a nightmare. What hope for the kids with the pension age being pushed back all the time.

Well at least we should be thankful for one thing. Well not just one thing, three things. Football, telly and emailed jokes. Why? Well if Instanta alone is taken into consideration I reckon that there must be at least one working day per day taken up with that stuff. We're always nattering about football and TV and the same goes for the factory. As for emailed jokes, fortunately our office staff only read them in their own time but just imagine if they read them while they should be working! That would be another half a man day. So praise to the trinity of football, TV and emailed jokes. Without them the unemployment figures would be so much worse and we'd be in a total slump.

And speaking of emailed jokes. They're usually rubbish aren't they? But here's one that Max sent me yesterday that's actually quite funny. I first heard it about forty years ago but it goes to show that the old ones are the best.

A young man, having split from his latest girlfriend, decides to take a holiday. He books himself on a cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life.That is, until the ship sinks.

He finds himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing but bananas and coconuts. After some time, whilst he is lying on the beach one day half starved, the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he cries 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.

While the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable... Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.. There, in the cabinet,is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for quite some time.... you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'Bloody hell" he says "don't tell me you've got Sky Sports too?"


And here's another time waster sent to me by email. Look carefully at this still picture. Isn't that movement weird?

I'll leave you with a new sport. I can see this making great TV for us all to talk about.