I wrote the news today oh Boy

Yes the latest edition of the Instanta Dealer News just tripped from my pen (or keyboard to be more precise). We publish four or five of these newsletters every year and send 2500 out every time. About 50 of them come back and, although we remove them from the mailing list another 50 crop up next time. It just shows how businesses change constantly.

PLEASE ORDER SOMETHING ELSE We are selling far too many of the new 1500LCD boilers. Please order some of the other models or production will be completely out of sync.



After a weekend of rain here in Southport, here's a song to brighten Monday up

Which reminds me a bit of Friday's Free Nelson Mandela Concert. Really disappointed that I missed my favourite Annie Lennox.

Just got tickets to see Stevie Wonder in Manchester in September. Should be a good night.

And finally here is another competition for today.Make a connection between Stevie's records and the animals below.To enter the competition place an order for a boiler by FAX or email and give us your answer.The first to answer correctly will win £20 off their order. The competition closes on Tuesday 1st July at 2.30pm.

You can make an omelette without breaking eggs

Marion went out for a meal with her friend Jane last night so I decided to rustle up a quick omelette before watching the Spain Russia match on TV. As I got the pan out, the phrase "you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs" came unexpectedly into my mind. Always one for a challenge I decided to question this idiom and having pricked both ends of an egg with a needle I blew it oologist (look it up) style and hey presto egg white and yolk into bowl without breaking egg. So there's one famous phrase disproved in about 30 seconds.

"So what other words of wisdom can I question?" I thought as I cooked the beans and bacon to go with the omelette .



"There's many a slip twixt cup and lip"

Well I don't know about you but there's half a dozen of us in here and we get through about six cups of green tea, ten cups of tea and twenty cups of coffee every day. That's 130 cups a week or 6760 cups per annum and I can't remember one slip twixt (nice word that) cup and lip. So there's another theory debunked.

"Many a mickle makes a muckle"

This is just stupid. I've had hundreds of mickles in my lifetime but I have never been able to make a muckle out of them.



"The grass is always greener on the other side"

Looked out of the window this morning and our grass is definitely greener than that on both other sides.

All of which reminds me of that wonderful old show Catchphrase and the host Roy "It's god but it's not right" Walker. Speaking of Roy, who could ever forget this classic.


No competition today. We had plenty of attempts at yesterday's puzzle but once again ABC Direct of Blackburn came out winners. (We will have to handicap them but mind you as you have to place an order to qualify to enter, we don't mind).The topic of the day was the summertime. The song "In the Summertime" was performed by Mungo Jerry. Mungo Jerry got their name from TS Eliot's "Old Possum's Book Of Practical Cats" The boy in the photo with ET is Eliot. So there you have it. OK it was quite difficult but we aren't one of those TV Phone in quizzes "What is the Capital of France? Is it A Paris B Liverpool or C Manchester" Enter by phoning our "Paris is the capital of France hot line"

It's all quiet on the betting front. Having enjoyed the Blackburn and Chelsea manager markets so much I have tied all my betting money up in Big Brother now so will be playing that for a couple of months. Having to rely on Instanta BB fans for tips as I can't stand the programme. Will win £15.81 if Germany win on Sunday and £15.80 if it's Spain but my tip for the day is Mugabe in the Zimbabwe presidential stakes. You could put your shirt on it, but if you are in Harare you probably haven't got one.

Weekend awaits us all now. Have a good one.

In the Summertime

Just look at the bloody weather. Yes Wimbledon is in full swing so we should not really be surprised to see today's deluge of near biblical proportions. Which leads me into today's competition. Tell us the connection between the following video and the boy in the photo below.




Once you have worked out the connection, place an order before 11 am on Friday 27th June 2008 and tell us your answer. The first to answer correctly will win £20 off the order value.

Talking of floods, the orders have been flooding in again this week and we are running out of the 1500LCD boilers and the WM15 wall mounted boilers as soon as we make them. We have not let too many people down but please bear with us with these products as we are selling an awful lot of them.

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?


Wi' Jam in of course. (copyright Peter Kay) But on these wet summer days what better than to imagine sitting beneath a Carribean palm tree and listening to the wonderful and so badly missed Bob

Nick's Pic

After yesterday's Nick's Nicked,here's another Nick. He's the 3 year old son of our buyer Gavin and he popped in to see us the other day. Whenever our colleagues' children visit us Marion (who hopes to be a grandma one day in the not too distant future)keeps them entertained and Nick had a fun time playing with various bits of office paraphernalia.He's a bundle of energy with a great smile and very happy chuckle.At the moment Nat's here with baby Olivia but as Marion has a cold she's staying at arms' length .... no she's not I just knew she couldn't resist picking her up.

To prove that I do actually do some work sometimes here is the new under counter boiler technical sales leaflet that I've been working on. It looks pretty good if I say so myself. The boilers are looking great and we hope to be in full production next week.

Nobody won yesterday's competition so we will carry it over for another day.


How did Nick get the slash on his face? Answer correctly and there's £10 off orders placed before 12 noon on Thursday. Answer amusingly and if you raise a smile we'll give you the £10 anyway.

After my mild rant about Mugabe yesterday I am pleased to say that I am still here. But remember, if I were a citizen of Zimbabwe, there's a good chance that I wouldn't be.

Nick's Nicked

Well it's more than a nick really, but Nick's gashed or Nick's slashed, Nick's cut or Nick's knifed don't have quite the same ring to them do they? Poor Nick has a really nasty cut on his face and there's £10 off for anybody ordering a boiler today who can tell us how he got it.


Here's a face that needs more than a cut. I don't want my blog to get too serious or political but we have to accept that those of us who live here are very lucky to have a democracy. Can you imagine Gordon Brown calling an election, losing and then saying he wants another one, cos the result of that one wasn't right. And in the meantime if you want to vote for Cameron some of his thugs will come round and rape, beat or murder you.Whatever you think about Gordon he wouldn't do that.

And here's a face that needs a good slap. It doesn't take a genius to work out that I am not a Man Utd fan but this guy's attitude to Utd and their fans is a disgrace. For Christ's sake will someone do us all a favour and get the pouting prima donna out of the news. If you need any further reason read this article
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/sport/2008/06/21/why_united_should_let_this_ego.html




And here's someone that I hope won't win Big Brother. I haven't watched any of this but now that I have no Blackburn manager to bet on I have switched my attention to Betfair's book on the reality TV Show. Same sort of thing really, mix of wannabees with lots of runners and plenty of opportunities to trade the odds. For the time being I have laid Kathreya and will win a few hundred if she doesn't win and lose £350 if she wins. But there's loads of time to sort this out between now and when the show finishes.

Tuppence? a bag

When Mary Poppins sang "Feed the Birds Tuppence a Bag" she obviously wasn't getting the scoff for her feathered friends from Dobbies garden centre where a recent trip to replenish our depleted stocks set us back over twenty quid. And what do we get for this? I drew back the curtains this morning to find a scene from a Hitchcock movie in the back garden and would not have been surprised to find Tippi Hedren in the conservatory being dive bombed by Jackdaws. God there's hundreds of them. And if you have no idea what I am talking about. Watch this.



The bet on Paul Ince for Blackburn came good with win of £54. Glad that one is over. I wasted so much time backing and laying the runners but at least it came out on the right side.

Listed another ten items on eBay yesterday including this fantastic Vienna porcelain cup and saucer.

Finally congratulations to ABC Direct who correctly answered Friday's puzzle and won £50 by finding the connection between Liverpool fans and an Instanta product.The anthem "You'll never walk alone" is from the musical Carousel. So the correct answer was the Instanta Cup Carousel.Here are the ABC team which ran 10k for Cancer Research at the Beaverbrook Fun Run in Blackpool last month.Chris Sherrington (number 207)who solved the puzzle ran a very respectable 48 minutes. Keep coming back as we hope to offer many more chances to win.

What do friday's mean?

Bacon butties of course. It's that day when we release our inhibitions, give up our weight watching and wallow in calories and stodge for a few minutes before going back to our organic chick peas and green tea.

And for a bit of fun this Friday we are offering £50 off their order to the first customer buying a boiler today who can link Liverpool fans with an Instanta product. Heres a clue. (Quick update. First attempt wrong Chris. You can always try again.)



Good News From Bonhams



This nice glass that I picked up at an antiques fair for £5 sold for £400.

Bad News From Bonhams

Their charges came to £112.80 but I suppose that if I had sold it on eBay for £287.20 I would have been pretty happy.

Lauren (who we forgot to bleep in the video on Wednesday) appeared in the local newspaper today. When she was very young she was in a Spice Girls tribute group and the local paper was asking "Where are they now?". Well we know exactly where Baby Spice Lauren is and to add to the coincidence Sporty Spice was my niece Lisa.

On the betting front it looks like being Paul Ince for Blackburn. That wins me about £40. At one stage it would have been £300 but one of the others would have lost me £300 so I hedged to cut the risk. Oh well £40 is better than -£300.

Too late to Blog

Went to the local auction today and bought some more bits to sell on eBay.

Got a very nice but damaged Moorcroft jug and a good antique map. Hope to blog some more tomorrow when we will be making some good Friday offers.

It helps if you read the instructions

Trying out the new Instanta digital camera at the five a side football last night I somehow ended up with this instead of a snapshot of our superstars Craig, Craig,Nick, Andy, Dave and Peter.


I am always grumbling about customers who don't read the instructions and tell me "My boiler read out says clean probes. What should I do?" (answer? You guessed it. Clean the probes). But I suppose I am just as bad. I could always use the excuse that I didn't have my glasses on. Anyway it was a good match last night with a last second winner scored by someone who shall remain nameless as he is getting on the blog too much. Anyone who orders a boiler today and guesses the correct score can have £10 off (one per customer).

Meanwhile we decided to punish Lauren in credit control for being so bad as to ask people to pay their bills on time. How could you do it Lauren? Customers have a divine right to pay when they want don't they? After all the customer is ALWAYS right. We also thought that her boyfriend Darren,one of our welders,was just too cool for his own good so he could share the punishment with her.

ig

I had ten items sell on eBay last night and was happy that this Dutch Delft Cow went for £83.12

Still playing the Blackburn manager market on Betfair. Good profit now as long as it is not Allardyce or Ince

Adjourned Again

Our ex head of metal work Brian Woods appeared in court again. Five Instanta employees watched from the public gallery as his case was adjourned because the CPS had not received a letter sent to them by his solicitor. It was noted that he was wearing his Instanta tee-shirt beneath his jacket but have no idea what message this was meant to give. No doubt two fingers to his colleagues was intended.

Meanwhile Nat has been in with the baby and Lauren had ten minutes mothering practice. Baby Olivia was perfect until I picked her up. Dave has gone to Birmingham to approve the final parts for the new UCDB range and in between betfair and eBay I have written the tech spec for them. Managed to get out of the potential losses on Big Sam Allardyce on the Blackburn market but now stand to win only a few quid whoever gets it. At least no losses possible. Bit worrying when my son sends me a book on betting exchanges for Fathers' day.

Poor Marion remains very ill but perhaps this will cheer her up.



It's the house we have rented for a couple of weeks in July. It looks really nice and lets hope it lives up to its blurb on the website.

Five a Side Football at the Southport leisure centre tonight. Another opportunity for my 54 year old limbs to take a battering.



Just got a nice email from the Guardian letters editor telling me that they are including my letter (re Darling's change of taper relief) in the next book of Guardian letters to the editor. Nice to know someone reads the stuff I write.

Our Boys Wuz Robbed

Just typical that with half a minute to go in the big match an ENGLISH referee had to go and give the penalty that robbed our Polish friends of a win in Euro 2008 last night. To say we were gutted is an undertstatement. With no home country to support many of us have been joining with our fellow workers Mariusz (left) and Piotr (the stepover king and no mean footballer himself) to cheer on Poland. I even went so far as to have a flutter myself although I bet against Austria so still managed to win.

Will Paul Ince put me back on the tracks?
Been a bit quiet on the betting front as I blew quite a bit on the country of my dreams who sadly produced the perfomance of my nightmares against Holland the other night. Fortunately won £80 on Scolari getting the Chelski gig but if Fat Sam goes to Blackburn I will be stuffed and facing Betfair retirement. I personally feel that it would be most appropriate for the first black premiership manager to be appointed at Blackburn.



Or maybe I should pay heed to the Apprentice's Nick Hewer's memorable quote in Wednesday's final "Gambling equals debt equals misery"

Work continues with the new push button boilers and the photos look pretty good.I think you will agree. Although with the 1500LCD boilers doing the hokey cokey at the moment (in out in out of stock geddit) I don't know when we will find time to make some.

If only

If only all our customers were like the one who sent us a cheque for £84,000 today. We sent out the goods less than three weeks ago and the money is in the bank already. If everyone else paid like this, the interest savings would be fantastic. Thanks a million (or 8.4% of a million)

Meanwhile Craig (below)(nice handbag Craig)


got a phone call from our man in Entebbe. So we have decided to pull the plug on the stringing along reverse scam and have told him that the Man from Barclays he say no.We were not too keen on winding him up too much.

The photos for the new under counter boilers look good so we are getting the data sheets together and should be getting into production very soon.

There May be a birthday at Instanta today but there may not. If there is I hope it's a good one.

Whilst the scam plays on, the Under Counter Boilers Are Looking Great

When we launched the concept of our new under counter boilers at Excel in February, the response was fantastic. As the first ones just start to move onto the production line I have to say that they are looking absolutely fabulous. Dave is getting some photos done tomorrow and this will let us complete our technical spec sheets.

Meanwhile we are having a good time stringing along our Ugandan scammer. He wants us to send 6 laptops with the boilers. But his cheque is only sufficient for three. So we have asked for another cheque. Only problem is that he knows where we are!



With me and Marion heading to Tuscany in five weeks thoughts are turning to holidays. There's a big summer music festival on in Lucca and amongst the choice of concerts are Alicia Keys (above) and Mario Biondi (below). Knowing neither of them or their music I can only go by the photos and it looks like no contest to me........... (Mario of course)

Sales Manager Pete Brindle had a nasty experience last night. He went to get his daughters an ice cream from the ice cream van and found the driver dead on the floor covered with hundreds and thousands.


He'd topped himself

Sold Out

We pride ourselves in having everything in stock all the time but the recent rush on our new 1500LCD boilers (screen pictured above) has been unprecedented and we are sold out until next week. Apologies if we have let you down but it you are desperate ring Craig and he will see if he can make you a special offer on our 3000LCD boilers as a substitute. If you Skype him using Skype video the offer will be even better.

Meanwhile I got this really nice feedback on eBay for the first item that I put for sale last week "Brilliant seller, the item is perfect and delivery was super fast and safe". It's nice to be appreciated. Suitably encouraged I have put another 10 items up for sale this week and this fine Dutch tile seems to be getting a lot of interest.



If you are not an eBayer like me. Check this out. It captures the eBay spirit exactly

Do they think we are mugs?

Perhaps, after news of our scrap metal walking out of the door got out, people now think we are a soft touch. But if you really want to rip us off you are going to have to try harder than "Stephen" from Uganda's famous Entebbe Top View Inn. So famous that it does not show up on google. Stephen asked us to quote for a couple of boilers for the inn and then sent us a cheque.



For some reason he generously sent us a cheque for £2500 even though the invoice is for just £1277.80. Barclays confirm that the cheque is counterfeit and have passed it on to the fraud department. For the time being we are having a bit of fun at Stephen's expense and are stringing him along with all sorts of encouragement. Just hope he doesn't have a big mate here in England.



Today's birthday boy is assembly worker Lee Moore (above). Keen golfer Lee (29) has only been with us for a few months so I don't know him well yet but, in the Instanta tradition, he has a relation (machine tester cousin Andy Fyles) on the workforce who introduced him to us. I hope Lee has a great day and gets a good score on the inevitable round of golf.

And here are directors Nick and Dave who somehow got missed from the photos of the night at the dogs.

Dogs and Birthdays

There's been a board meeting today so blogging time is limited.

Last night a group of us went to the dogs and a great time was had by all. There were not a lot of winners amongst us (I made a princely £7.50) but the food and the company were good and Belle Vue Stadium in Manchester run a really smooth and efficient operation.
Here are some of the lads (and Jenny of course)

And here is Sue from the office with Sheet Metal Workers Dave & Kev

And speaking of Kev, here he is at work on the folder. It's Kev's 37th birthday on Sunday. Kev has worked for us twice during the last 20 years and had a brief sabbatical in the Royal Navy in between. His latest stint at Instanta started in June 1999 and following the departure of our light fingered head of department he is jointly running the Instanta metalwork at the moment. And a very good job of it he is doing too. Wishing him a very happy birthday on Sunday.



And at the same time our head of wiring Martin Rimmer will be celebrating his 49th birthday. My mum once went around to our service engineer John Rimmer's house and took such a shine to his son Martin that she offered him a job. Suffice to say, over 25 years later, Martin is still with us (his dad has now retired). We hope that Martin has a great day.