It's Party Night

Yes, tonight's our Xmas works' party night and this year we are going to the Floral Hall in Southport for a big Abba tribute party. It should be a great night (it cost enough)and there are thirty two employees and friends who are sure to make it an unforgettable evening for the Floral Hall staff. Unfortunately me and Marion are off to London at 7a.m tomorrow so we won't be staying to the end tonight. I think we can be forgiven as we are off to see our son Paul having not seen him since last Christmas.



Last night we had a very pleasant evening at the Warehouse Brasserie in Southport. Our next door neighbour Vincent took us out together with his sister and her husband and another friend. Vincent's companions are a little older than us but we found that we had plenty to talk about. One of the party, Margaret is an MBE and it was fascinating to hear her story of her investiture at the Buckingham Palace.She won her award for her work on the Home Watch scheme and was astonished to find that the security at Buckingham Palace didn't come up to her expectations.



The Internet is a wonderful thing isn't it? A blog reader from India asked me if I could help him to get a ticket for a match at Anfield as he had won a trip to the UK and was a big Liverpool fan. So there I was on Wednesday night meeting a complete stranger who had come all the way from India. And did he turn up? Of course he did and a very nice lad he was too. That's what you call a real fan. I hope you enjoyed it Ram even though we didn't get the result. Email me a photo when you get back to India.



And on Sunday I'm taking another complete stranger to Anfield to watch Liverpool play Arsenal. I got chatting to fellow Reds fan Greg on the Harper Collins authonomy website. We're both budding authors and have uploaded our books onto the site (his is doing a lot better than mine). I mentioned that I had a spare ticket for the Arsenal game and he jumped at the chance to see the match as he moved away from Liverpool some time ago and hasn't been to a live match for some time.His book's about a psychopathic serial killer. Hmmmmm. Actually he seems like a nice bloke.

As the time counts down to the part, here's a song to put everyone in the party mood. This link was recommended to me by our good friend Amanda from City Servicing. I can see why Amanda, being an Eastender, liked this, Bob Dylan does Knees up Mother Brown.

A Memory Like A Sieve

On yesterday's blog I was going on about our regular Wednesday trip to the pictures but someone reminded me that tonight is our bowling night so we won't be going. I really must buy myself one of those personal organiser things or a diary perhaps. At the moment I have to rely on Marion and she's not always here.I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.Oh well, maybe we'll get to the pictures next week. I've no idea if I'll be able to play at the bowling as, being in need of a hip replacement, I'm not exactly supple at the moment.



Craig Mercer tells me he's determined to add Ten Pin Bowling to his Victor Ludorum title. I mentioned it to him and he said "Yes I want to be that Victor bloke. But who is he?". He wants to be the top scorer in the individual and team games and asked if I will erect a statue of him in the car park if he wins.



My novel has been posted on Harper Collins' authonomy website for a month or so now. It has risen to number 350 in the rankings but seems to be sticking around there now. I'm not prepared to get involved in the frantic emailing of other members for support in order to try and get it to rise higher so it will probably start sinking soon. I've enjoyed the experience but it is time now for it to be either sent to prospective publishers or put to one side.



Here's something we Liverpool fans won't be looking forward to in May. There's nobody to blame but the team itself. We just weren't good enough and could quite easily have slipped up last night. Oh well, I'll have to check the small print in my season ticket. No doubt I will have signed up to watch us play half a dozen matches in the Europa league.

I'll finish today with Toshiba's attempt to get into the viral video marketing scene. They've got a long way to go before they get close to the experts Samsung. But it's a start.

A Belated Happy Birthday Gav

I was away visiting a customer yesterday (yes I do work sometimes) so I missed reporting our buyer and assistant director Gavin Ford's birthday. Gav has been with Instanta for longer than I have so that's over half his life. He started on the shop floor and then set up our own lathe department. Following that, he went on to gain a university degree in engineering and learned how to operate our latest CNC lathes before moving into the office role of buyer. Gavin is responsible for all our purchases and he also plays a big part in the running of our BSI approved quality and environmental management systems. Proud father to Nick, Gav has the longest Instanta journey to work travelling in daily from Horwich where he lives with his partner Julie.Outside work, Gav is a keen fan of St Helens rugby league club and a regular off road motorcyclist. Congratulatons Gav.



I got my book printed for family and friends and the copies arrived today. I'm very pleased with it and hope that people enjoy it. If you get a copy don't worry, you don't have to read it!I got the copies done on the espresso book machine at Blackwell's in London. They offer a great service and give amateur authors like me a chance to have their work professionally presented. My book is on the Harper Collins authonomy web site. I've had some good comments and feedback but I don't think I'm going to retire on it.



We've been done. We've fallen victims to what is known as a "long firm fraud". This is a fraud where an apparently legitimate business is set up and then goods are ordered and not paid for. You might say "that's not fraud, that's just business" but no, this was a deliberate con. The "customer" set up as a wholesaler and provided us with apparently legitimate references. We followed these up carefully and opened the account with a £2,000 credit limit. The first order came in last week and we sent the goods out but then a second order came just a couple of days later. Marion and I were away but Jenny was suspicious and asked us about it. Marion put her Miss Marple hat on and within half an hour was pretty sure that we had been done. She managed to trace two more victims who told her exactly the same story. We contacted the police who acted with commendable speed in this instance and found a warehouse full of stuff. Whether or not our four 1500 boilers are there or not we are waiting to find out. This is the second time that we have been victims to this con in the last ten years. Maybe we'll learn one day but these people are so convincing and the set up is elaborate.



A big night for my team Liverpool tonight. If we lose to Lyon we are going to be out of the Champions League during the league stages for the first time in ages.I can't say that I am 100% confident that we'll win but Rafa says we'll do it so that's OK then.It must be a big match. I'm giving up my regular Orange Wednesday cinema trip.

I was just watching the lads using the fork lift truck in the factory. They're pretty good at driving it. Here's someone who was not quite so good.

Treading Water

I really feel like I am treading water at the moment. Not in a bad way. It's just that we've got so much going on in preparation for next year but we are waiting for others until we can get really cracking.



Firstly there's the new literature. We're in the more than capable hands of our creative designers Workhouse marketing of Ribchester who are well under way with the design for the 2010/2011 brochure. We've agreed on the pagination and the colour scheme but we have to wait now for the bits that we have to fill in.



Then there's the new products for next year. We've got plans to introduce a fair few new models and everything is running smoothly but we're waiting for the tooling to be made and the software to be written so again there's not a great deal that we can do.Although when everything starts to come together we'll be buzzing around like the proverbial blue arsed flies.



And then there's the office. Things didn't quite work out with our last office member so we are understaffed in here at the moment which means Marion is not getting the time off that she was getting and is here for an eight hour day every day. And that means we're spending all our weekends on housework. But due to Craig being on a three month trial as a salesman we are hanging back on changing the office around and getting someone else in case he decides to come back and rejoin us.Fortunately he has only one more month's trial and we can decide how to man the office when he makes his decision.

So that's why I feel like I'm treading water.



There's a lot of water in my novel. I had a day's holiday yesterday and spent most of the time (apart from the wasted trip to Anfield) checking the edits that were done for me by a professional editor. It was a hard slog but I think that the book is now as finished as it will ever be. All I have to do now is try and find a publisher. That's really not going to be an easy task but I will persevere. I have put the book back on Harper Collins website. You can read a sample of it by clicking here.If you have any comments I would love to hear them.

Orange Wednesday this week is Ricky Gervais's The Invention Of Lying. The reviews have been mixed but generally positive.I know that Ricky Gervais is not as popular as he was but he is a very clever writer and we really loved both The Office and Extras. The premise of the film should make for some good jokes.

Here's a clip that's no joke.Now what is it you are supposed to do at a red light?

Tonight's Going To Be A Good Night

I'm turning the blog on its head today and starting with a video.



Why did I do that? Do you need to ask? This LIPDUB video is the best of its type to turn up on YouTube for ages. In case you don't know, Lip Dub is that method of making a video by miming to a popular song.It has been done to death in the years since the guy in speedos and his pal in a headband did Barbie girl and Gary Brolson's Numa Numa flew to the top of the charts but this takes the idea to a new level. Firstly, for the film buff, there's the beauty of a four minute plus single take (a technical feat on its own), and what a take it is with most of the participants coming in right on cue! Then there's the sheer attractiveness of the kids in the video (in a nice not a sexy way)and finally the absolutely brilliant choice of song. So I hope that for everyone who reads the blog I have given you a nice lift for a Friday. The students of Quebec University certainly did for me.

Here's a man with a heart of ice. Yes, after my gushing on about UP on yesterday's blog, Craig took Jenny to see it last night and he didn't shed a single tear.(although I believe that Jenny made up for him). Mind you all the kids in the audience were tearless too. So what does that tell us about Craig?



I got my novel back yesterday. I arranged to have a professional critic have a look at it a month ago and she gave me some great pointers towards where it could be improved.I took up her suggestions and incorporated them into the revised version.She has now checked it over again for punctuation ( a copy edit) and sent me further suggestions for minor changes and all I need now is the time to look at them. The plan is to get ten copies printed for family and friends (there's the surprise Christmas presents gone)and then try very hard to get a publisher. I might put it back on the Harper Collins authonomy website but I don't really want any more criticism as it is possible to flog your writing to death.



We're off to see Tom Jones in Liverpool tomorrow night. He's not an artist who features on my iPod but he's been a huge success for forty years so he must be a good entertainer and I'm looking forward to the show.Unfotunately we aren't near the stage so we won't be able to throw our undies at him.

Have a good weekend and when you need a boiler don't buy anything but Instanta.

Man United Ruined My Accumulator

Was there ever a more bittersweet statement than that. Every week I make a donation to the coffers of Betfair and in return they let me forecast the outcome of between six and eight football matches in return for dreams of riches. And every week I forecast between five and seven of those matches correctly but hardly ever do I get them all right. This week was no exception but as the results at Newcastle and Sheffield came in I was, for once, starting to feel confident as I was sure that AZ Alkmar, Braga and Barcelona would do the business later on (which they did). That left just the mighty Man U against the minnows of Sunderland. And I didn't even have the pleasure of seeing them lose. As, of course, the obligatory injury time goal went in.




Nick tells me that his great new business idea has not brought results yet. Give it time Nick, give it time. I have put a link on Grannies Reunited.




I spent five hours editing my novel yesterday. My professional critic thought that it jumped around a bit too much so I have been cutting chapters and pasting them in other places to try an make a more even flow. The big problem then is continuity. For example one character has a disability caused by a long past accident. Have I mentioned it by Chapter six? No? Damn. Rewrite of Chapter six needed.



When I haven't time to get into writing the novel I've been spending a lot of time on Harper Collins Authonomy website. Here you can upload your book and let others criticise or praise it.Those who support the books which become most popular get points and rise up the charts as "Talent Spotters". I have somehow managed to get myself to number 63 in the Talent Spotter chart. I don't think that I am in a position to criticise but I certainly think I can tell if a book is readable or not.


I must thank our expert photographer Peter Raymond for giving me this link. He knows how I feel about bankers.

Product Placement - It's The Future

The other day I was delighted to read the news that British TV companies are finally going to be allowed to use product placement in their programmes. It will be fascinating to see if the Rovers finally stops selling Newton & Ridleys and moves to Carlsberg or Fosters. I see it as a huge opportunity for Instanta. You will already spot our boilers in the occasional drama and soap but I can see it going much further than that. Perhaps we'll get a couple of sous vide units in Masterchef and a boiler in River Cottage but we'll know we've made it when this sort of thing starts cropping up.

Craig Buckley is back in the office today after his first week on the road as a sales representative. Craig tells me that he enjoyed the week and met some very interesting people in Gloucester Bristol and South Wales. He did not bring any orders back but is confident that they will soon be flooding in. Someone commented last week that Craig looks very young for a salesman. What do you think?



I had a bit of time off yesterday and spent eight hours reworking my novel. I was criticised for writing a book that was too short at 52,000 words but now, with only half rewritten, I am up to 72,000. I've got a feeling it's going to turn into my Goldilocks moment. This one's too short, this one's too long but this one's just right! The big question is, is there a market for a soppy romance set on a Greek island? If Mamma Mia is anything to go by, perhaps there is.



I've got a really good site monitor program that shows me exactly where all the traffic to the blog comes from and what search terms have been used to get there. It's interesting to see how many people have been searching for Nick Neal lately. Is there anything we should know Nick? Or is there another Nick Neal?

If you enjoy tennis. You'll enjoy this. Have a good weekend.

Dan Brown A Publishing Phenomenon

It would have been nice if it was my novel "Give Your Tomorrow" that was grabbing all the headlines this morning following it's massively successful launch. But, sad to say, it wasn't. No, it was Dan Brown and his new book "The Lost Symbol". According to the reviewers in the posh papers it seems that the book is a load of rubbish but, with Tesco reportedly selling nineteen copies per minute and ASDA shifting 18,000 yesterday, I doubt that Dan will be losing much sleep over the reviews. I haven't read any of Dan Brown's books but I believe that this one takes a swipe at the Freemasons and that can't be a bad thing.



So what have I got against the Freemasons? It's a long story so I'll try and keep it short. I once worked for a bank. It was full of Freemasons. I had a very nice manager and one day I had a heart to heart with him and told him how much I disliked the way that the masons were getting business by scratching each others' backs. It was a way for mediocrity to rise to the top and all the top jobs in the bank were being taken by them. My manager nodded sagely in agreement.

A few weeks later it was my annual appraisal with my manager. I was gobsmacked when I had was given a C rating having only ever had A ratings throughout my entire career. I complained to head office who were sympathetic. My manager was apologetic but stood by his appraisal with no valid explanation.

A few weeks later I was working late and the manager's door swung ajar. He rushed to shut it but not before I spotted him dressed in full masonic regalia, apron and the lot. I didn't spot if his trouser leg was rolled up but the mystery of the C rating was solved.



Along similar lines, the Harper Collins Authonomy website seems to have developed a mutual support mentality. Budding novelists such as me upload their books onto the site and wait for constructive comments. The more support a book gets, the higher it rises in the rankings. The prize at the end of the month is an appraisal by the Harper Collins editorial team. But members are inundated by fellow eager novelists asking for comments on their books in return for comments on yours. Are you going to write "This is worse than Dan Brown" if you think that they might support your novel? No. So the upshot is the person who writes to the most members asking them to look at "The Book Wot I Wrote" is more likely to be at the top at the end of the month than the new (but very quiet) William Shakespeare.



If you are new to this blog and are asking yourself "what the hell has this got to do with boilers?", here's our best selling 1500LCD just for you. We sold out of these for the first time last Friday but Jason got the lads together and with a big effort we were back in stock with another 100 plus yesterday leaving customers boilerless for just a couple of days. I'm hoping that production is running to target as Factory Leader Tony Mercer is back from his holiday next week and we'll never hear the end of it if we miss targets in the only month that he's off for a fortnight (again).



We are supporting the 10:10 campaign - the campaign to save 10% emissions in 2010. As usual for Instanta we aren't doing the obvious like saving on lighting or heating, we did all that years ago when we got our ISO14001 accreditation from BSI. No, we are making our contribution to 10:10 through extra energy efficiency measures in our new ranges to be launched at Hotelympia in February. We aren't going to tell you what these are as we know that our competitors are regular blog readers but all will be revealed at Hotelympia. Lincat will have plenty of time to come and have a look as they won't be exhibiting this time.




Got to fly now to go and get Marion and Jane tickets for Orange Wednesday's showing of Julie and Julia. I'll leave you with an appropriate tribute to the wonderful Patrick Swayze. R.I.P Patrick.

Year End Beckons

Here are Phil (left) and Tony from our stores who, against all odds, have managed to prepare for the annual stock take in record time. Circumstances this week have resulted in the stores being a couple of men down but Phil and Tony have pulled out all the stops and done a great job and must be congratulated. Thanks also go to Gavin for giving them a hand. The accountant arrives tomorrow and, as long as the quantities agree with the books, we'll be ready for the audit very soon.



I promise to stop banging on about my novel after today.When I first uploaded the blog yesterday I erroneously stated that my book was at number 103 (a typo honest). I later corrected it to 1034 (a bit of a difference!). Today it's inside the 1000 mark. I had a brilliant bit of advice from one of the best writers on the site (no it wasn't "Give up")and, as a result, I may well take it down from Authonomy and do a rewrite. Although criticism is sometimes hard to take, there's a lot of truth in the old saying that "you have to be cruel to be kind".



You really have to hand it to the Guardian. They have some incredible writers. I read a review of the X Factor written by Anna Pickard who is not their regular TV reviewer. She summed the show up with this brilliant line on the contestants "When they were good they were very very good. And when they were bad they were televised". Perfect.



Orange Wednesday last night was packed for "Inglourious Basterds". We could not even get into the car park. As for the film. Not as bad as the critics said but not great. A typical mixture of Tarantino violence and black humour with a spaghetti western like score. The cinematography was superb.




Did you read about the punishment planned for people who illegally download files? We all know some don't we? (They will remain nameless here)It seems that they are going to have it cut off. The Broadband that is.

A Great Christmas Stocking Filler

Our "The Colour of Money" board game arrived yesterday and ,although you might think us biased (as the TV programme was son Paul's concept),it's really impressive. I haven't seen it in the shops yet but it's available on Amazon. Give it a try. It will make a change from Monopoly.



Natalie brought little Olivia in to see us this morning. She's growing isn't she?



And Nat had some more good news with her engagement to boyfriend Dave. Here's her ring. She tells us that she is going to get married in 2011 in Mauritius and, while she's on honeymoon, Olivia is having a break in the Seychelles. Nat is going to New York in November and South Africa and Corfu next year and is one reason why British Airways are still in business.



Orange Wednesday tonight and we're off to see Inglourious Basterds. The reviews have been awful so we are going to reinforce ourselves by a visit to the Warehouse for a meal beforehand so the evening won't be a total flop. I loved Kill Bill so maybe we'll enjoy this.



I've had over twenty comments on my novel on authonomy so far. It's been on the site for a few days and has risen over 3000 places in the charts to reach number 1034.It's quite nerve wracking every time a comment arrives but so far they have all been helpful and the criticism has been constructive. The consensus seems to be that the book will have to increase in size but I have a few ideas to help me achieve this. If you want to support me you can do by joining authonomy and clicking on my book here
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Sorry to see the trouble at West Ham last night. I thought this sort of thing was history.

I Need You

I took the plunge yesterday and made a portion of my novel public on the authonomy website. I've already had a number of very constructive criticisms from members and am delighted with their feedback. Now readers of this blog can help me. Here is a quote from the Authonomy website "Attracting external readership can really boost your visibility on the site. So if you already have champions from outside the authonomy community – whether that’s family, friends, colleagues or visitors to your blog, facebook profile or other website, you might also encourage them to join the site and get involved. If they can prove their credentials to the community by building their talent spotter rank, then they'll be in a position to be noticed and in turn help you raise the profile of your book." So there you go. If you get the opportunity, please take a look at my book by clicking here. And, if you like it, please join authonomy and put it on your authonomy book shelf.



I've made my decision on my accumulator bet and can go to Anfield tonight in the knowledge that I will be £430 better off when I get home. I would have loved to let the bet ride and win £900 but would not have enjoyed being at Anfield tonight knowing that a draw or defeat would lose me £160.



Here is Max together with Dan Shorrocks from CKS Blackpool (left) and Ian Morgan from John Morgan Catering Equipment (right).Max has been training Dan and Ian on servicing our boilers and I have been covering for him in his absence. I must say that it has been a quiet morning on the service desk. I had better check that we have switched the service phone on.




Son Paul and his fiancee Josephine have almost made a decision on the wedding and it looks like being on 13th February next. We have offered to help find a photographer for them. Do you know how many there are in London?!! The variety in the standard of the photos is amazing. Some websites have wedding photos that look like I took them on the Instanta blog camera whilst others look like they would not be out of place on the front page of Vogue. Until now I always thought that the word "photographer" implied a degree of artistic skill. The secret is going to be finding the one that looks like the cover of Vogue but costs the same as the one that looks like those on my blog. If you come into this category do please get in touch.

As the YouTube charts are now full of Saturday night's X Factor (622k hits for Danyl now, 474k for Stacy and 262k for our favourite Joe)I'll close today with something completely different. What an incredible throw.

He's Back

After a gap of what seems like five minutes, our Saturday night TV is once again dominated by Simon Cowell in his new show which,in the arena format, should be called "Britain's Got The X Factor".You've got to hand it to Simon; it really is a slick piece of entertainment but the freak show elements are starting to wear a bit thin. On the basis that (a la Susan Boyle), they have showcased the best acts in show one I think we may have already seen one of the final two. But I'm not expecting it to be Danyl Johnson (the best audition Simon has ever seen).No. Marion and I think that Joseph McElderry with his boyish good looks and pitch perfect voice has much more to offer than the dreadful Eoghan Quinn (Chucky)who made it to the last three last year. And Danyl had the benefit of a track complete with backing singers (another first). Looking at Youtube hits to date Danyl is out in front but at only 41,000 views so far he's not another Susan Boyle.



With son Paul(The Colour of Money, Are You An Egghead), heavily involved in the development of game shows we watched Phillip Schofield's new programme "The Cube" with great interest. Favourite critic Charlie Brooker gave it the thumbs up and I thought it was OK but would have preferred it in a teatime slot rather than in the middle of Saturday night when we like to watch a good film.



If you are on our Christmas present list, look away now. You can now buy the Colour of Money board game. Unfortunately Paul won't get any royalties but it will make the perfect stocking filler and we've just ordered ours from Amazon.(we got the last one but more are coming soon) You can buy it by following the link here.




I've spent a lot more time on my novel before uploading it on authonomy. I've done a new cover. Let me know which you prefer.


Off to Anfield again on Monday night. After months of failure on Betfair I won £90 on an accumulator on Thursday. I put all the winnings on another accumulator of seven teams. Six have won so far. If Liverpool win I get £900. If they lose or draw I lose £150 (£90 plus a hedge I took on another game). I think that the reds will win. But my head says lay Liverpool and guarantee a win of £440. Nice problem to think about though. I'll leave you with my betting tip for X Factor