Oops

Found the perfect antidote to Monday morning blues. Got in the car this morning and played the Scissor Sisters "I don't feel like dancing" on the iPod through the sound system at full blast on loop. If it had been sunny enough for the shades I could have been a Master of the Universe. Great song, great beat. That woke everyone up on the commute to collect the post. No I'm not putting it on the blog. I've already heard it ten times this morning.

Fascinated by all these Friends Reunited ads that keep coming on the telly. I see that's it's now free. So if you want to get in touch with the girl you snogged behind the bike sheds when you were 12 and wreck both your marriages then it won't cost you anything (other than a big solicitor's bill). Never been tempted to join Friends Reunited - Never had any friends.

Yes when I was at school I was a bit different. While everyone else had a paper round, what did I have? A paraffin round! No wonder I had no friends. If anyone had lit up in the playground, the whole school would have gone up.

There was a row of shops near our house. One of these was a hardware store The young bloke who ran it Dave Kippax was bought the shop by his mum after failing everything at school. I was about 14 he was only about 22 himself. Tall and very slim with a Michelangelo's David hairstyle, Dave was the definition of louche. We whiled away the time in between paraffin deliveries, playing football in the back of the shop using coal scuttles for posts and pieces of rubber tubing as a ball. The loser had to buy the Aztec bars (remember them?).

One Christmas Eve was a Saturday and I was asked to work all day. It was one of those fairy tale Christmas eves, the snow was falling lightly and I was very busy taking the paraffin around. I was balancing a five gallon drum on the front basket of the delivery bike so every time I braked the back wheel came up in the air and I almost went over the top. Anyway in between paraffin deliveries, Dave, getting into the Christmas spirit was giving me swigs of whisky from a large bottle he had behind the counter. By the time five o'clock came around I was absolutely plastered. He wished me well for Xmas and gave me 50p for working the day (that was what I usually got for five nights). He also gave me a gallon of paraffin for my mum.

As I said, it was a fairytale Christmas Eve. By now the snow was lying thick on the ground. I was only a few steps from the shop when it happened the first time. "Oops" I remember saying as my feet went from under me. I picked myself up and set off again only for another "Oops" a few yards further on. Fortunately I lived less than a mile away so there were only about 10 more "oops" before I got home. As I got home I managed to get to the top of the very steep steps in our first floor flat. I found my mum who wouldn't have known the meaning of the word drunk never mind suspected it of her 14 year old son. "How was work?" she asked. "Fine Mum. I got an extra 50p and this for you" I said handing her a paraffin can with about a tablespoonful left in it. "Where's the 50p?" she said looking particularly unimpressed with Dave's largess. I patted my pockets but sure enough the 50p had gone. "You better go and find it" said Mum. "OK" I said standing at the top of the stairs and "oops" as I suddenly found myself at the bottom.

Oh well better get back to work and checking out what's going on on Betfair. New competition tomorrow.