The Return of the Chain Letter

I got a chain letter in the post this morning. It's the first for a while but they've been around for a long time. I remember when I was a kid I'd get one asking me to send postcards to the names at the top of the list and like magic (as long as I didn't "BREAK THE CHAIN") within a few months I would be the recipient of a million postcards from all over the world. So I religiously went out and spent my pocket money on lovely postcards of Southport like this.

And got precisely nothing. I even tried a different tack with saucy seaside cards like this



But still nothing, zilch, zero nada. But I didn't "BREAK THE CHAIN".

Twenty years on another started doing the rounds. This one was for ladies' lingerie and all the girls I worked with in the bank got one and plenty of giggling ensued as they strove not to "BREAK THE CHAIN". Of course they got no nice lingerie in return. The person who started the chain was probably an old perv who got tired of robbing knickers from washing lines.



Anyway. More recently they started turning up asking for me to pass on prayers. Here's an example.

PRAYER:
May today there be peace within you.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing that you are a child of God.
Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of you.

But they then went on to add the ubiquitous "DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN" and told of Mary Lou of Arkansas who broke the chain and was immediately consumed by a bolt of lightning or Arnold Davies of Dallas who was eaten alive by an alligator.

However the letters would always end "Praise the Lord Amen"

Well how about my chain letter in today's post? It came from an important customer so it has some gravitas. It relates the story of a poor little nine year old boy (let's call him Jimmy Smith) who is dying of a particularly nasty form of cancer. And before he dies Jimmy would like to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's biggest collection of , wait for it , COMPLIMENTS SLIPS. Christ Jimmy why didn't you say you wanted to get into the Guinness Book Of Records for being the world's most boring nine year old. I mean Football Stickers maybe, Playstation Games perhaps, Five Pound Notes even but bloody compliments slips? I can just see poor sick little Jimmy's eyes light up today as his mum opens the door to the knackered postman who is weighed down by sack loads of post and she opens them one by one. "Hey Jimmy look at this one", "It says "With Compliments". And here's another "With Compliments" they are so wonderful Jimmy. A veritable cornucopia of wit and originality" And as Jimmy's room begins to overflow with compliments slips and the nurse can't get to him to give him his life saving injection at least he'll die in the knowledge that he had millions of bits of paper bearing those magical words "With compliments".



But I got thinking. Hadn't I had a similar chain letter before about some other poor little sick nine year old collecting compliments slips in a bid to get into the Guinness Book of World Records? Yes I remember it well. Let's call him Freddy Jones. I mustn't "BREAK THE CHAIN" but I am confronted by a dilemma. What if the poor little Freddy Jones reached his goal and got the record. His proud parents must have fond memories of Freddy and his record breaking achievement. His gravestone probably bears some reference to his world record. Now if I send Jimmy Smith a compliments slip will I be taking away poor Freddy's title? Or what if poor Jimmy doesn't break Freddy's record and his mum and dad are left with only memories of Jimmy as an abject failure. So I did a terrible thing and put the chain letter in the bin. I dread to think but when Jimmy dies his epitaph may well read "Here Lies Jimmy. He would have been in the Guinness book of records if Instanta hadn't BROKEN THE CHAIN"



BLOG MODERATOR'S COMMENT: We regret to advise that we have been notified of this blogger's sad demise.

Footnote. There once was a genuine chain letter asking for cards for a Craig Shergold of Surrey. Craig did get into the book of records for having the most GET WELL cards. This I can understand and Craig did indeed get well as here he is now grown up.And in case you get such a letter, here is a statement from Guinness

Guinness World Records™ does not recognise or verify chain letter world record claims under any circumstances.

Any correspondence alleging Guinness World Records is currently supporting an attempt to break a chain letter world record is false.

Chain letters are no longer recognised by Guinness World Records and no further claims will be accepted (whether they are requesting cards, compliments slips or any other items). People will not have their names published in any Guinness World Records book by participating in a chain letter.